You dont know where Ive been.

As of yesterday my plan for new years was stay in and watch Dick Clarks New Years Rockin Eve. Well I'm glad to say that's not the case anymore.
Drew decided that me, her, and the boys would go up to her family's townhouse up in hidden valley. I'm so freakin pumped. We're gonna go tubing and snowboard probably. Plus well stay the night, which will just make it easier to spend the whole January 1st with Christian for our anniversary.

I have an Ipod once again! My music is back in my life, and I need to go attack any of my friends for music since it was all lost that one day in June. But just to have a functioning ipod again just makes me wanna tear up. Sure it'd be dramatic, but I don't give a fuck.

I honestly don't want to go back to school. And not just in the normal teenager way after break, but I would love to just graduate on January 4th. Id be pleased. I have no motivation to finish Saveikis's map...which by the way no one sells maps of the USA anymore...I see it as a step toward socialism. Anyway. And Ive been blowing off my art history final/project book thing since she assigned it...and now its due and I'm bullshitting my way through it. Whatever she probably wont read facts, but look at pictures. And then on top of that I have to find inspiration to finish my reviews for my grad project. Fuck my life...thatll never happen.

Now announcing, the class of 2010. LGFUAD

Little girl, little girl why are you crying?

Well Its settled.

Im back to this.

So you ask me what I want this year.

Im in art history right now...Ross is singing to Christmas music. It actually kind of makes me happy. The woman is actually decent this year.

Anyway. Friday Drew and I rode the boys bus home and we hung out there for a little. Originally Christian and I were going to go see the Dave Matthews "movie" concert in 3-D...but it turns out it wasnt there. So we sat through 3 long hours of avatar. Seth and drew apparently ran around Barnes and Noble and the mall and stuff, then came to pick us up. We went back to the Jonczaks for our coats and hats. Then we drove over to Overlies and saw a penis bow(?) a farmer making inappropriate motions, and a cow that was hot for santa. It was cold but the bon fire was nice.
Drew and I said we were going to go sit on santas lap but, he looked creeper esque so we just squeeked by behind a baby.

Then Saturday I woke up to massive amounts of snow, more falling, and an empty house. I watched a few hours of mindless tv...because the remote was on my dresser.
Christian came over at 10 30 and we snuggled down on the couch, turned on the tree lights, and watched Christmas movies.
We watched the Holiday cus its cute. Elf where we both ended up falling asleep. And A Christmas Story, just cus its a classic. Ha.
Then we exchanged gifts. He got me Horton a stuffed elephant. SOOOOO soft. A punk compilation that kicks ass. And Green Day International Superhits on vinyl. Which. I cant wait to listen to. We ate tacos then went upstairs and just talked and watched some tv. It was really nice.

Sunday my dads jackass friends, their wives, and kids were in my basement for the Steeler game. So I decided to shower up and go see Christian play indoor soccer. It was pretty fun driving up.

Tomorrow I hope I get to go over to Christians to take a walk on the path we went on last winter. Its so nice back there. Well probably play COD after that for training ha.

sometimes...lifes good.

All I Want for Christmas...

I absolutely love giving presents.

I love watching their faces change in emotion.

Going from curiousity to happiness in a split second.

Stepping over the ripped wrapping paper on the floor.

Actually wrapping the presents to make them look delicious.

If I was a millionare thats what I would do...

Buy people presents.

When it hurts so much you cant breath...

"You wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything! I'm scared to move. I'm scared to breathe. I'm scared to touch you. I can't lose you! I won't survive. And that's your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in! And then you freaking died in my arms."

And I had so much time.

I wish I could open up my chest and crawl inside the hole that forms there.
Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think when I close my eyes, I actually disappear.
Well, at least thats what it seems like.
Lately. Ive been alone.
ALONE. alone.
I get up.
Go to school.
Force a smile, maybe a laugh.
Wave to people who I used to call friends, then walk away.
I come home.
Waste my life in my room under my blue christmas lights, watching my tinsel around my door blow when the heater turns on.
I stay up pointlessly until 12.
Slip into sleep, where I dream unfortunate dreams.
Then repeat. My life. Is on repeat.

I want to break free.
I want to sink. Deep into water and never reach the surface.
I want to stay there. Not needing to breath. and just...be there.
Watching in silence as the waves roll over my head.

Dont say another word, put my finger to your lips, and press.

Will you remember me?

Im so afraid of you leaving, it makes it so hard to concentrate on the moment in front of us.

Does that make me a bad person?

That I cant just take it as it comes?

Im just so afraid youll realize what youve left behind...and want it back?

Do you think about it...Im always afraid you do but dont tell me.

I try. Really Really Really hard. Im just terrified.

Im a frantic person.

Im a stupid person.

The Train

when did we start going the right direction?
did we turn around while I fell fast asleep?
so close to colliding but miss
feel the pressure to my feet
close my eyes and dream myself away
but my brain cant escape the soundwaves
and you just follow me back.

When Its Time to Party We Will Party Hard.

I hate that alot of the good 90s bands are over.
Like The Cranberries. And Eve 6.
I wish they were still together so I could see them in concert.
Im watching the 100 greatest 90s songs...which I might add doesnt feautre enough Green Day.
But. There are some jems.
I just wish I could see some of them live.
Im buying tickets to see Roger Daltry and Eric Clapton...which is HUGE!

Bands Ive Seen:
Green Day
Foo Fighters
Coldplay
Blink 182
Thrice
Third Eye Blind
The Used
Taking Back Sunday
Rise Against
Motion City Soundtrack
The Starting Line
New Found Glory
The Bravery
Chiodos
Silverstein
A Day to Remember
The Color Fred
Warped Tour 3 years in a row
BBKing
Rod Stewart
a few Fall Out Boy
Panic at the Disco
The Hush Sound
From First to Last
All American Rejects a couple times

Pokerface.

Thats right. I put a lady gaga song as a title for a blog about Green Day!

What? What!?

The only real reason I respect her is because she is a Green Day fan...and I have to approve of that. She is out of her mind but can pull it off, because she does it with style and a fuck you attitude...Id like to assume that comes from being a Green Day fan.

Sometimes, I get into these Green Day kicks and its so hard to get out of them.

I look at pictures. Write blogs. Listen to them. Read books about them. Watch videos and dvds of them. Obsess over GDA (which is the best site in the known world. for the record Hannah)

Anyways I can not wait for them to come back to the states to tour this spring.

Ill get there earlier with a real fuckin camera this time.

And a part of me...a veeeerrrry indecisive afraid part of me thinks I have it in me to shoot for an interview.

YEAH RIGHT! Id drop dead where I stood. Or get struck by lighting before that would happen.

But what if.

what if the tiniest littlest if ...

I do get the interview.

I got the Taking Back Sunday interview. That was huge for me. So why not Green Day?

Stalls said "One day youll interview them. I know it."

Oh really? Hows that?

Anyways...if that happens, my life is utterly perfect and to ask for anything more would be just greedy and selfish.

Because I feel so right

Let my imagination go

Until you're in my sight

And through my veins temptation flows

"SATs: Achieve More"

I knew my grapes were on the floor by my left foot.
I knew I had three extra pencils in front of me.
I knew the TV hanging from the ceiling was a magnovox.
I knew Jen Dado was three rows, and 4 seats back from me.
I knew the snow outside the window was sticking.
What I didn't know was any of the shit on the SATs.
Achieve more my ass, I didn't know jack.

Swallow all your bitter pills

I love listening to famous rock stars talk about how much they love music!

I was watching the Foo Fighters on some show on fuse and Dave was talking about how much he loved rock and roll.

How relevant it still is. How it make people feel. What it stands for.

I was watching Bullet in a Bible...Billie talks about the same thing.

I realized I relate to them...we both love and appreciate the music.

I leave my heart when I leave him.

And it takes no time to fall in love

But it takes you years to know what love is

And it takes some fears to make you trust

It takes those tears to make it rust

It takes the dust to have it polished

You're the one who looked right through me.

I think the reason I enjoy journalism the most is because Im so used to people ignoring me in class...or not being good at the work.

Theres no tests. I think that may be another reason.

When I was walking out of the class I realized this.

People add me on facebook, and Ive never spoken to them...granted I do the same but thats just cause their usually cooler than I am and everyone has heard of them.

Anyways, is it weird to see me in the hallway and not know me?

Another reason I thought of this is because my Person Place and Song is going to be in Serendipity and the people who actually read it will probably be bored to tears...BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW ME.

They dont know my style. tone of voice. sarcasm. anything.

How many people do know me.

Or recognize me. I know when I see people in the hall, I start asking myself questions about them.

But do people even see me?

Whisky shots & cheap cigarettes

I have 250 Green Day songs on my Itunes.
You know how many I have on my Ipod? Zero.
Fuck Technology
Fuck being sick.

Friday I got sick. It was miserable to deal with, but I got to miss school today.
If I wasn't sleeping I was watching Bullet in a Bible.
Ive decided I always loved it, and if given the chance I will talk about it for hours on end.

If you haven't noticed I'm on another Green Day kick as of lately.

Anyways.
I take the SAT's on Saturday and I couldn't be more terrified.
What if I do terrible? There goes my future...or any hopes I had of getting one.

Then on the 11th I leave for New York until the 15th.
Without my damn ipod may I add. If its not fixed by then I'm calling when I get home and demanding a god damn new one...those son of a bitches.
So, I think I'm going to see Hair while I'm there. I refuse to see Shrek.
I saw Monty Python last year.
The only other one that we might check out is Wicked...so well see.
I'm so excited to go back.
Ive been wanting to go back since I left and now I get to do all the things I didn't get to do last time. And Ill get to explore Central Park a little more, and shop more.

I pretty certain I cant hang out with Tim ever. Mainly because I have this fear he'll ask questions about why I broke it off when we moved here.
I don't want to deal with that...I mean, in all honesty, nothing ever really happened there besides awkward hand holding you usually see in Jr. High.

Christian and I are on 11 months now, that blows my mind.
I never thought it was going to last this long but then again looking back I don't know how it wouldn't have. Its a euphoric but fantastic feeling to be with him.

There's just some people I will always hate. Weather I have a reason or not, its just going to happen. So when I sign onto facebook, the last thing I want to see is some bullshit about them to get me all angry.
Sometimes I debate on deleting my facebook all together, usually brings me nothing but annoyance.

As God as my witness
The infidels are gonna pay

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

Im glad Im going to New York alone again this year.

Im glad Im going to Italy for 2 weeks alone this year too...

Cus if you know me, you know how much I love being alone

I had a dream...

Nobody left for me I fear.

Who will be standing next to me?

Theres no one left.

Heads up, damage control.

I'm not trying to sound so insincere

but the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads:

"Wish you were here."

How I wish I could disappear.

I'm not smiling

behind this fake veneer.

I am often interrupted

or completely ignored

but most of all I'm bored.

"I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. "

Grey Skies

"Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present."

had another bad dream again.

cancercancercancercancercancer

He loves you like it’s tearing him apart.

I'm a lucky soul to have these memories

I will always hold them as a part of me

Live your life, I hope you find meaning

Past through but on the way you taught me

To remember who we are when we're apart

Bonus Mosh Pt.2

If you cant take the mosh pit

Stay out of the concert.

I hate it when girls go to a ROCK concert and complain about the mosh pushing against them.
Or being smashed into some random guy next to them.
Its a fuckin concert.
If you cant handle it, dont go.
If you expect to just walk in and everyone has their own little designated area, maybe a rock show isnt for you.
If your a bitch and dont at least acknowledge a co headliner...go away, no one wants you there.
Its not just one persons show, and you have to deal with it. Wheather that means making fun of them in the lobby, or actually going along with them. Whatever just dont knock em before youve even heard them thats a bitch move.

I’m running out of sympathy

and I never said I’d take this

I never said I'd take this lying down

You must not know bout me. Part 2

I get to Saint Vincent for my interview at 3 15.
After running around the entire campus I finally tracked down their manager, Ward.
Of course after running into half of All American Rejects and Eddie Ryes of Taking Back Sunday.
So he walkes me outside. And there he is.

Matt Rubano.

A man I have loved since I was 13. I thought he was an amazing bassist even then. And truth be told Sarah was an Adam fan...I was a Matt fan.

We talked. And talked. And talked. An interview that was supposed to be 15 minutes turned into a half hour. It was amazing.

What was even more amazing. I wasnt nervous. My voice didnt shake. I was calm. I didnt burst into flames. I was a professional fan.

So I returned to the venue for the concert at 7. And picked up my photo pass.

I walked into the venue and bopped to the music playing over the speakers.

Then all of the sudden I hear, "Hey! Glad you could make it."

Fuckin Matt Rubano picked me out of a crowd. Gave me a high five and was having a conversation with Christian and I about bassits and how he loved the fans. Of course I shared I loved him back. Probably stupid but. Whatever.

I took over 100 photos from in front of the pit.

Adam Lazzara brushed me twice on his way to climb the side of the bleachers.

Yeah. Today was one of those days.

Im proud of me.

If your not...thats ok.

Because I dont care.

Im fuckin proud of something Ive accomplished

And ya know what?

Thats never happened before.

You must not know bout me. Part 1

There are days you wake up and have a goal.
Today was my goal. Probably one of my biggest days ever...besides the Green Day show.
In study hall I went to Stallings room. She tells me this:
"You have passion. You have perseverance and responsibility. You set a goal and stuck to it til you achieved it. I think you should be writing more for Serendipity. You really have a talent for this. Have you thought of college?"

Ah yes the ever famous college question. I told her Ohio University because of its Journalism program. And because I would be close to Alternative Press Magazine's publishing building...and that's where I want to work.
That's the goal. The big picture. The dream.

"I want to connect you to a writer I know who works for AP magazine. And also I want you to apply to Ohio University and Point Park if you want to stay in Pittsburgh."

My future was planned out in front of me in two seconds flat. The scary part is. The things she was saying. Ive never wanted anything more.

And if the future and my success wasn't enough to think about. I was interviewing a member of Taking Back Sunday in 6 hours.

Shes called to other skies.

David Farmerie said if you wanted to be a journalist, you had to make it the air in your lungs.

Thats. What Im going to do.

And I can't get enough.

Theres an episode of That 70s Show where Eric wishes he never had Donna.

Long story short at the end of the episode he sees that he was better to have had her.

And these images and memories start flashing in his head.

These great heartfelt memories that make me cry everytime.

Gives me chills.

I had one of those moments.

Memories.

Flooded me

Things youve probably long forgotten.

Things that probably ment nothing to you.

Things that ment the world to me.

"Wait. No. I want to keep it. Please, just . . . let me keep it."

Between the trees.

What would you say if

I told you that I'm not giving up

However long it takes.

I dont even know what to write

You cant even begin to understand me.

My thoughts are going at a thousand miles an hour

But all I keep coming back to is that one moment

When you...

I swear Im like an elephant.

I forget nothing.

Sometimes it hurts like all hell to remember.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

I can't hold it back you see

I know it all comes back to me

You must have practiced hard to be

So far away

Never wanted me to show

Just write me off

I let you go

And now there's more for you to know

So far away

You're not the same

You've changed

I don't need you anyway

You're not the person that I believed in yesterday

Wait until the bombs drop.

Things feel different.
I don't know how to explain it.
I feel alone. You know it. Ive told you.

Into the ocean

End it all.

Fully clothed I locked the door from my empty house.
Placing the paper far enough away, I inhaled.
I filled up the bath tub.
Something clicked and I raised my head.
Instead I drained the water and sat down.
I cried.
I knew I needed to let go of something.
I would have been perfectly happy to let it go if the pain in my chest would stop...
I just didn't know what it was I had to let go.

Childhood

Innocence

Knowledge

Euphoria

Abuse

Past

Present

Insanity

Paranoia

Loneliness.

Loneliness.
Flooding memories.
Remembering places and times and emotion.
Images plague my mind.
I blink them away and look down the drain.
Wishing the water back again.
The garage door rises downstairs.
I plug the drain.
And fall into bed instead.


With the music up loud enough
I can scream all I want
I can swear and throw things
Words silently stumble over my lips
No one can see me.
Nobody cares, to know.
Ive made no mark on anyone
Can I float?
Can I fly.
Open the window, let the breeze pick up the sound and carry it away.
Stand on my rooftop...its my time to try to fly.

(everybody scream your heart out)

Taste of Ink.

I decided I don't care how "slutty' it'd look.

Or how bad it'd look since I'm so small.

I want this to be my next tattoo going up my side.

The dream is over.

I JUST BELIEVE IN ME.

I've got another confession to make, Im your fool.

Did you ever get that feeling with someone.

Where you think you have something special between the two of you or that something is just yours.

I hate when people ruin that.

Mine has been friendships.

I think something is special and affiliate it with that single person.

It doesn't matter to them at all. Its just another time they weren't bored.

I'm sick of being someones fallback when their bored.

I'm tired of just being there when no one else is but if the groups around, I don't exist.

Its exhausting to be the fall back.

And I don't want to do it anymore.

If that leaves me with no real friends then...I guess that's just something Ill have to face.

But here's a little tip.

I don't freakin do that to you.

If I consider you a friend, I don't just pencil you in then forget about what we did together

because something better came along afterwards.

I absolutely hate it when my "friends" do that.

It makes me feel like my friendship means jack shit to them, when theres is what keeps me...sane.

Opportunity of a life time? Yes please!

Alright so Ive come to realize I never really talk anymore, I just...rant or put some sort of lyric to describe how I feel.
So here's whats going down.

I fucking love journalism. And I'm so glad I didn't drop it just because of what everyone told me stallings would be like.
Shes cool, and loves me.

When she tells me Ive done a good job, like on my Person Place Song thing, it makes my day in some twisted way.
I don't know, lately that class has been the highlights. Not because I get gold stars from stalls.
And not because I'm doing well even.

Its because I'm working hard at something I actually want to do. And I can see my future that at one point seemed so out of reach it was ridiculous, is moving closer towards me.
Why you ask?

Mrs Stallings told me to email Drusky Entertainment. So I did.
He emailed me back saying I would be a good one to give passes to and to email this Melissa person.
So I did.
And shes setting up a scheduled meeting with one of the bands on the Taking Back Sunday tour for me to interview, and asked if I wanted photo passes as well
FUCK YES I WANT THE PASSES!

I'm actually proud of myself and the work I'm doing for once. Its a nice little feeling Id like to keep.

Oh Green Day sucks?! Really.

Cant you fucking see!?
Its not just a band to me.
Not just a single simple song.
There not just fucking words.
Its the only thing stable.
The only thing I can depend on
The only people who cant really judge me.
There the only thing connecting me and keeping me from fucking falling apart.

So make jokes all you want.
Say Im obsessive.
Say Im overdramatic.
Say they dont know I exist.
Fuck off.

They are the last shread of importance keeping me from jumping.

What are you doing?!

Im quiting, just like you did remember?
Sucks right.

I cant think straight.

And the make-believe ran out...

I'm running for no reason, but for my life as well.

And I hate it and I don't remember why I started.

I'm terrified to stop running

If I stop and look at whats around me it'll be chaos. disappointment. resentment. pain.

reality.

So I start running again.

When can the cycle stop?

When can I be free to lay in the grass and see the world isn't as bad as its made out to be.

I lay down in the grass with my eyes closed.

I'm at peace, nothing can hurt me.

I'm alone, but its okay.

I feel the grass underneath me.

The wind lightly moving my hair.

The sun warming my skin.

I open my eyes.

reality.

Ive been listening to the cure a lot.

It may or may not be having an affect on me.

Zombieland.

Sometimes all you need to do is see a kick ass movie with your best friend to remember how things are good.

"Dont you just hate it when people dont believe you when ya see a dinosaur?"

Tired.

So tired

Tired of waiting
Tired of waiting for you

I was a lonely soul
I had nobody till I met you
But you, keeping me waiting, all ofthe time
What can I do?
It's your life
And you can do what you want
Do what you like
But please don'tkeep me waiting
Please don't keep me waiting

Hey Jealousy.

jeal⋅ous⋅y 
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against anoher's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

Jealousy. It can make you say things you don't mean.

Act in ways you don't want to.

And be a person you want no one to see.

There are tons of different ways and people to be jealous at.
You can be jealous of someones brilliance, money, success, love, or past.

But. Its when you show this that usually causes a problem.

You can call someone you'vebeen married to for 20 years, soon to have an anniversary, a "fucking whore."

[good one, and to think you used to be someone I thought did no wrong.]

You hurt people.

Intentionally.

Your head feels like its about to explode with anger when you realize its not anger at all.

Then, you set a goal. A goal to make digs and say things you may or may not mean just to get into this person head.

If your jealous of someones money, you make them feel bad for having it.

"You're to good to sit with us, we should sit over there."

[tha was one of my favorites...stupid assholes.]

Someones success, degrade them. Make it seem like they have it easy. Or that they don't deserve it.

"Yeah your doing good now but ya know we just started."[thanks]

I'm a victim of intense jealousy of a persons past.

I'm sorry. I just am. Its never going to change.

I make a person feel like their to blame, when in reality I know they couldn't change it no matter how badly they want to.

But jealousy, messes with your psyche. You feel like if you can just make this person feel worse about this then you will have succeeded, that you win.

It makes me feel worse.

Through it all.

From what I hear he was talented, and smart.
Going to school at Penn State.
He could have done some good.

So whats keeping me here instead?

Thats the only thing I could think of looking at the gloomy faces in the hallways.

Art History strikes again.

Im certain.

Absolutely without a doubt positive

That if I were a cave woman thing, I wouldnt have been good at cave art.

Simply because I was looking at these beautiful pieces that were done in the way backs...and ya know what fuck if they were amazing.

I couldnt do that now with the most hi tech state of the art supplies, and they did it with clay and mud and animal blood.

I wouldnt have made a good cavewoman.

What has my life come to? ha.

Nothing can compare to where you send me

You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
Even when you don't
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

-Uncle Kracker-

I was dreaming of the past.

Yeah it still fucking hurts.
I try to fill this emptiness.
No not even emptiness, its this nagging feeling that no matter what I fucking do its going to go wrong.
Like I'm walking on this road and no matter how badly I want to stop and take in the breath taking beauty surrounding me.
Or no matter how much I want to sit down and cry in the road because I cant believe I got here.

I fucking cant.
I'm hypnotized.
Absolutely consumed by the end of this road.
And how it will come to end.
Will it be dark?
Will I ever reach the end of the road? People say I will, are they wrong?
Am I naive or a realist in thinking that there has to be an end to this road

I cant just believe I could walk down this path forever.
Hell something in me wont even permit me to stop.
And realize how fucking fantastic and glorious this path is.

I'm focused on getting to the end. Even though its the last thing in the entire world I want to see.

Fuck I babbled again.
Sorry if none of this made sense...view as a metaphor I suppose.

Im just a jealous guy
I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore

Art History.

Okay. One of the most famous paintings known to man.
Everyone, even kids in the third grade could tell you the name of this painting probably.
And today I found something out that bothered me.

Nobody actually knows who this "Mona Lisa" is.
What the fuck?
Some think shes actually just a self portrait of Leonardo as a woman.
Some think she was a girlfriend since the poor guy never got married.

He got credited with one of his many masterpieces and what nobody thought
"Hey Leo man..."

[that 70s show?]

anyway...Leo man, whose the chick in the painting.

How sad it must have been. After she died. She was just...

The girl in the painting.

But before that she was a real person ya know.
I dont know, im just rambling and it kind of made me a little depressed that she was always just going to be the girl Leonardo da Vinci painted.

Not really known for being beautiful, besides her gnarly hidden teeth, just the painted girl.

Fuck it.

You know I love you, but I feel so one in ten.

The cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you don't mind
you smile
And say the world it doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
You're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming
To take me
Home

-TEB-

Summer Stars.

Do you remember the time when you and i were fine
hiding under the apple tree there was no one but you and me
we would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars

So summers is over. Tonight is the last night of it.
And shit man. Have things changed drastically.
I dont even know what happened.
But looking back at it, I knew it would all change.
Things always change.

and we were better then then we'd ever been before
you came back to me after walking out my door
you would call me on the phone before you even got home

without me you said you were all alone

I think of late nights staying up til 4.
Going to a 10 pm showing of a movie and coming back at 2 in the morning
Playing baseball...uh...anywhere we wanted.
Concerts. Concerts. Concerts.
Sleeping in until 2.
Watching all of Friends, That 70s show, and Greys Anatomy.
Baking.
Love.
Distance.
Change.
Things are different.
Irreversible.

the cold wind that blows all the things i used to know
how could it play so fast
never thought you'd be part of my past
would i trade it all again to get you out of my head?

Honestly though, I dont think I could have seen summer coming to a close any other way.
It was innevitable.
Senior year was slowly but surely approaching for 3 months.
And time is up. Shit hit the fan. The jig is up.
I dont know. But I think Id undoubtedly do it over again in a heartbeat.
But would I change anything?

When you were young.

It's astounding, time is fleeting

Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

I feel like I'm back there still.
Like, its deja vu.
Like im still sitting in the back of the bus being laughed at for the music I love.
A part of me I guess, still wishes I was that girl.
So many things have changed.
And back then...
Back then it was simple ya know?

Your 13 years old.
You love music.
The Doors & Led Zeppelin are gods of course, but heres a band you have and are living for.
Things were simple.
I didnt have to make any decisions about my future.
There was no job in my equation.

A distinct memory of mine.
Laying on my floor, listening to Waiting.
Sunlight beaming through my open window onto my face.
And the wind was just barely making my thin white curtains flow.
I was happy. Nothing was wrong.
All blue skies and clear nights.

That was fuckin 7th grade.

How did I end up here?
Why is there a scar on my chin? When did I decide I didnt need softball? Why did I stop trying in school? Why am I so paranoid? Who made me think no one is worth trusting?
When did I break myself of innocence and decide that being myself wasnt good enough?

Its like all of a sudden Im doing things that I never thought would actually happen.
It seemed like some far off fantasy life where I was growing up.

Im a senior.

The thought isnt terrifying. Not by a long shot.
But whats scary is I look myself in the eye every morning.
I lived all the things Ive lived. Made all the decisions I have made.
And I still dont know how in the fuck I ended up where I am now.
Or more so...who I am now.
Kinda trips me out.

Tell me that I wont feel a thing, so give me novacaine.

Sometimes people come into your life.
And you know right away that they were meant to be there.
To serve some sort of purpose.
Teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be;
a roommate
a neighbor
a professor
a friend
a lover
even a complete stranger.
But when you lock eyes with them, you know that...

at that very moment they will affect your life in some way.

Where my familys from.

The man brings his mom on stage...

God.

Sometimes you cant make it on your own.

Its weird when reality hits you.
And your like, "oh. yeah I see now. God am I stupid."

I just had one of those moments.
Its kind of an unsettling feeling.
Kind of a mix of homesick and wanting to be in the dark like before.

"sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."
[ thank you Greys Anatomy]

I find comfort in Green Day.
Its really helping me again.
Its like some ridiculous therapeutic thing I do.
Something goes wrong, something is out of my control...

I turn to Green Day.

Interviews, Music, DVDs, Concerts straight up Billie Joe...anything and everything in my collection.

Its a comfort thing.
I don't know what I would do without them.

Handle This.

"Throughout your life theres going to be a lot of opportunities that come up. And their going to seem great. And their going to seem wonderful. And their going to seem like their gonna make life a heck of a lot easier, but you have to walk away. And at times its gonna seem really difficult to do that, but you have to. Because you deserve better. But hey, you know something, its your life, its your decision. You know whats best for you."

I'll tell you what I want; what I really really want.

I want a picnic in the snow, with hot dumplings and soup on a checkerboard blanket.

I'm pretty sure if someone sang ANY Rod Stewart song to me in a cappella I would die right there.

If someone gave me a mix cd of all the old classic love songs, Id openly weep.

I want to dance in the street under the stars to no music.

I want to star gaze.
I want to find flowers at my doorstep for no reason.
I want to walk on the beach at sunrise.
I want to build a snowman then have a snowball fight around him, ending his snowy days plowing him down with my sled.

I want to make breakfast in bed just because its a Saturday morning.

I want to swing on a swing set at 2 in the morning.
I want to go for a walk when I cant sleep.
I want to kick a pile of leaves in the fall.

I want to go to a antique store and pick out lovely dishes and decor. [yeah im a loser]

I want to spend an entire day in bed doing nothing.

I want to spend one day and two nights out.

I want to drive through states & states & states. [roadtrippin]

I want to ice skate in front of the Rockefeller Christmas tree in New York.

Ive been watching to many chick flicks/romantic comedies for my own good.

Damned if I don't.

Feelings choke me
Don't let me leave without a word
Never give in
I've been letting my mind win the war with my heart. You are timeless
I am a fool in love with time

Feelings scare you
You never look me in the eye
Don't ever change I just want you to know the complacencies always been staged
I was blinded until you opened up my eyes
I've always believed in you

I can try all I want
The feelings would taunt saying ‘loser we see through you.’ And forgive me love
These thoughts are not my own
They were put in my mind by aliens
To keep me home alone. And forgive me love
For wanting you. Blame it on those eyebrows arching over baby blues
Oh you. Oh you.....
And live for the moment but that takes too much pride.

I look into the past, I want to make it last. July 22nd 2009

I got to Mellon Arena at 11 : 30 a.m. Okay 7 hours til doors open.

I found myself against the barriers [front fuckin row] at the green day concert.
When that beautiful man shook his beautiful head of hair his sweat pelted me in the face...every time.
I planned and plotted where I wanted to stand at this show since I knew of it.
And you know fucking what, it happened!
Life didnt say 'fuck you', it gave me exactly what I wanted.
I could almost reach Billie Joe's hand.

They played my absolute favorite song on a whim, At the Library.
I knew the opening chords.

Two instances, I cried.
When I heard those stupendous chords and when I saw the band in front of me.
Oh. My. God.

During King For a Day/Shout he sat on the stage directly in front of me.
He broke up two fights over my head.
"Punching little girls in the face is not a sport. Now shake hands."

Nothing I could type in this blog could come close to the justice this show deserved.
This is one time a picture is not worth a thousand words.
Nothing beats the memory in my mind.
I know.
I will never fucking forget it.
Green Day & I.