Somewhere only we know

I bought reddish hair dye...its not like RED BAM! Its more of like, okay, I could be red given the proper hair color. I hope it turns out good, I was gonna try blonde but I highly doubt my hair would take it. And Im already black practically...so that left me with this.

Im going to dye it tonight hopefully but at the latest tomorrow.

Ive been playing my guitar at night lately. Before two nights ago I hadnt touched it since...well we wont go into that. But, Ive been trying to learn this new song but Im so rusty its pathetic. Im hoping I can learn this song (that will not be disclosed) and play it to him.
By the way, I wrote this blog about how much I feel for him and Id be an idiot to let it die...but it got deleted...im just recapping. Im not giving up on you. Like I said, anytime you want you can come back.
Anyway...Im hoping I learn it solid after vaca.

Who in their right fucking mind actually makes up a story about Billie killing himself. Scared the fuck out of me when I signed on and it was in my community box. Shit. It was some story about how he od'd on pills and was found dead in a hotel room. I want to find out who it was that wrote this FAKE story and hunt em down and force feed them pills. Fuckin ass.

Im kind of torn about going to maui. Im going to love it as always, and a part of me just wants to stay there forever and start over. Then again...I cant leave. I wont give up that easily.

I drove past the covered area under the trees alone. Practically no one knows its there, or where it is...but I do. And when I came upon it, Whatsername was playing, but I didnt realize where I was at first until I was right ontop of the spot. I started balling my eyes out, this pain came through my head and I had to pull over. No one was around, because apparently people only take this road at night...but.
I dont know I started thinking about it. It overwhelmed me a little. I couldnt drive for a few minutes til I pulled myself together and turned on a melancholy song. It made me drive the rest of the way home in a fog. Now I cant pull myself out.

Green Day Challenge Day 14

5 things you would change about Green Day:

 1.I would make them immortal
2.I would make them play a show in Pittsburgh every year
3.I would make them have a constant photographer with them that sends photos directly to my email
4.I would make them release Heart like a Handgrenade dvd
5.NOTHING

Green Day Challenge Day 13

Your favorite Green Day song that you can get crazy singing it out loud:
I can get really intense singing both Jesus of Suburbia and Horseshoes and Handgrenades.
Emotional wise I get really teary eyed singing Whatsername.

Green Day Challenge Day 12

A green day song you know all the words to:

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

Green Day Challenge Day 11

Favorite Green Day era; Its a toss up between the following two

Dookie era- they really didnt give a fuck about anything anybody had to say. For christ sake Billie played Madison Square Garden naked in 94! Mike lost his 4 front teeth during Woodstock, when a security guard tackled him in 94...hell woodstock all together is fuckin rad. And tre...well its been said in the dookie era tre took a hit of acid before performing every show. That all put together makes for a fuckin kick ass band if I do say so myself. Plus, Billie like experimenting with hair dye and he looked really hot with a nose ring.

21st Century Breakdown era: For one undeniable reason, the first time I got to see them live was in this one. Another reason is, alllllll of their songs are hard hitting, fun rockin out kind of songs. I absolutely love the progression of Billies lyrics, when it came to this album it hits me to the bone, the way he puts words together always blows my mind. His songs arent 'boo my girlfriend left me, cry and die, verse chorus verse chorus bullshit' they have substance and always have. From the dookie era they have matured so much and in a good way, they still are hilarious and can write funny pointless songs, but they also have a purpose and their using their popularity as a band as an outlet for whats going on in the world from their prospective. I couldnt respect them anymore than I do.

Green Day Challenge Day 10

Favorite outfits: (one for each I spose)

Billie:

Mike:

Tre:

Green Day Challenge Day 9

favorite Green Day album:
its a dead tie, theres no way I could pick between the two, but  21st century breakdown & 1039 smoothed out slappy hour.
their the fuckin greatest.

Green Day Challenge Day 8

Favorite Green Day photo: for obvious reasons...these three

The mere idea of you.

Meet me in outerspace
We could spend the night, watch the earth come up
I've grown tired of that place, wont you come with me
We could start again
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, it's better than I ever knew
Meet me in outerspace
I will hold you close, If you're afraid of heights
I need you to see this place, It might be the only way
That I can show you how, it feels

You are stellar.

Ill probably never tell you.

Green Day Challenge Day 7

Green Day song that makes you happy:
Last of the American Girls.
I dont know why actually.

Whatsername.

I like loud music, fast cars, and guitars.
Im a romantic and sarcastic.

and I feel like have found out I'll never find someone.

Green Day Challenge Day 6

Green Day song that always cheers me up:
Horseshoes & handgrenades. Its so good, the lyrics get me stoked for whatever Im doing. Even if im just driving down the street Im in absolute bliss.

But now I see I'm mortal too.

Its weird when someone you hated at one point in your life, dies.
Amanda Mitchell was so mean to me and Marissa all through Junior High and freshman year.
She made fun of us, hated me because I was dating Jason...so she started flirting with him and he was the first person to ever cheat. It wasnt just a kiss, he was dating us both. Regardless.
This became habit. Thats how she got to me, she saw I had interest, and shed swing in and charm the guy.
We were friends at one point, and when I was doing truth week before leaving Southmoreland forever, we had come to terms with each other and had no beef.

Then on the news today her picture flashes up on the screen. Seconds later Marissa calls and tells me she was on life support all night, and they just pulled the plug a half hour ago.
I felt bad for her mom, because now shes alone. Only one child and her husband had died a few years back...I actually remember Amanda missing school for the funeral.

Her last status update on facebook was 2 hours before the reported accident from her phone, "Summers off to a sweet start, beginning of our lives <3"
Pictures of graduation are still fresh on her page.

I didnt like her very much. She didnt like me at all.
Its still sickening to me that shes dead though.
Im sorry amanda.

Green Day Challenge Day 5

Green Day song that makes me cry:
Whatsername always brought some tears, kinda lame yeah but...I dont really want to get into why, so short blog for this one.

Green Day Challenge Day 4

Im going to have to do this one and 5 today too, since I dont know when Ill have internet.

Favorite Green Day quote: one from each guy sounds fair.

“It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done.” - Billie

(Has and always will be one of the quotes I live by. Absolutely love it.)

"I don't think any musical genre will ever be dead, as long as someone has passion about what they're doing in it.” - Mike
"You can't fuck with us now. We did it. We pulled it off."  -Tre

Green Day Challenge Day 3

Favorite Green Day video: Uh, its between two:

21st Century Breakdown, just because of the dynamincs of it and all the different symbols within it.Theres a lot of cool images in it. I really like the outline of Billies head in black and white, it reminds me of a Rolling Stones album cover.(see images below)

The other one Im not sure. Their earlier videos like Walking Contradiction and Hitchin a Ride are freakin hilarious to me, but if Im going with quality...I have to go with American Idiot. Everytime I watch that video it just gets better and I notice more and more things going on. Plus all three of them are moving in different speeds which is awesome to watch Sam Bayer do on the Making of American Idiot video. Thats probably why its my favorite, because Ive watched how it was all set up and shit. The green paint water and the flashing images are always cool too.

Green Day Challenge Day 2

favorite Green Day song: This is probably the most impossible question in the entire world for me to answer. Waiting is my favorite song.  Christ. I cant even explain the connections I have to this song. A distinct memory. My mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer and had her surgery. It was warm and sunny out, summer day. I was laying in my doormer with my stereo up just high enough, my window open blowing my thin white curtain lightly, reminding me of life outside those walls. I listened to Waiting...for some reason, Better thank your lucky stars ended me. Billies smooth voice it was just a comfort thing. Nobody knew what to say to the 12 year old whose mother wore a wig to open house. My so called family didnt know what to do with me besides pump me full of food. My poor father was just as upset and worried as me, only he took care of her, as she was sick with chemo...I could simply watch in horror. But when that song played, it gave me hope for one reason or another. I was lucky my mother found the tumor when she had...that song...it made me realize it could have been terribly worse.

Ok so I lied, ontop of the Green Day Challenge I am in fact going to blog about life.

I had a dream, a pleasant, cute dream. I hope this dream comes true t would be exceptional if it did.
When I woke up it was only 9. I turned on more Greys Anatomy season 5 and ate my happy donut knowing full well both parents werent around.
Im really excited for Tuesday...I hope it goes well.
I just want to move into to the new house already, just get it over with.
I wish I could take people with me to Maui. Two weeks feels like so long and I havent even gone yet.

Green Day Challenge Day 1

Favorite Green Day Member:

So its pretty obvious. Billie Joe.

But its not like in a teeny bopper way. I always hated that. Like in line for the concert some girl behind me who openly stated her last concert was the fucking Jonas Brothers(!) was saying like, oh yeah Billie was the youngest of a bunch of kids, it so cool he made it big. For some reason she was annoying. Anyways.

He was my idol growing up. The way he made the music flow and put how he was feeling on paper. He taught me about life, and the world. Things my parents thought I was to young to hear. Hes such a talented guitarist ontop of it, among the other 5 instruments he can play, when he actually wants to show off he can kick ass and seriously shred. During the concert the way he commanded the stage was amazing...he has such a presence about him, its hard to ignore.

Plus come on...hes fuckin bad ass. During a concert he told a story about jumping through a car of a window and beating some guy up who had stopped to harass him. He is fuckin rad.

And without a doubt the most good looking man Ive ever seen in my life. The tousled black hair look. The leather jackets and black jeans thrown on with beat chucks. God almighty. The mans crooked smile and green eyes, floors me. And hes short but you know he could throw down, but hes fit without the obvious muscles. The laugh. The voice. The way he carries himself. Everything about him is fucking hot...all the time.Theres nothing unattractive about this man,to me. But probably the hottest thing to me is when the man has a cigarette. Fuck.

Green Day.

Some dumb hoe forwarded this to me on a Green Day site.
This is me proving myself apparently.
Its a 30 day green day challenge. Where I have to write a blog about a topic everyday relating to the band.
So Im taking one month off from bitching about life and my pathetic love life...and its gonna be all about green day ( oh good something new and different for me)
So. If you dont wanna read it, avoid the blog ha.

List for the days:
Day 01- Your Favorite Green Day Member
Day 02- Your Favorite Green Day song
Day 03- Your Favorite Green Day video
Day 04- Your favorite Green Day quote
Day 05- A Green Day song that makes you cry
Day 06- A Green Day song that always cheers you up
Day 07- A Green Day photo that makes you happy
Day 08- Favorite Green Day…
Day 09- A Green Day picture makes you angry/sad
Day 10- Favorite Green Day outfits
Day 11- Favorite Green Day era
Day 12- A Green Day song you know all the words to
Day 13- Your favorite Green Day song that you can get crazy singing it out loud
Day 14- 5 Things you would change about Green Day
Day 15- Your favorite Green Day book
Day 16- Favorite art drawing from or of Green Day
Day 17- Your favorite Green Day wife
Day 18- Your least favorite Green Day wife
Day 19- Your favorite Green Day child
Day 20- Your least favorite Green Day album
Day 21- A Green Day song you listen to when your sad
Day 22- A favorite Green Day instrument
Day 23- Favorite Green Day tribute band
Day 24- Favorite staff members of Green Day
Day 25- Favorite Green Day poster
Day 26- Favorite Green Day moment
Day 27- Your favorite Green Day concert
Day 28- Your favorite Green Day hairstyle
Day 29- Your favorite video of Green Day on youtube (could be anything, interviews, them goofing, whatever)
Day 30- Least favorite Green Day concert

Father of mine.

I wish I could tell him this to his face...but I dont know how. So letter form will have to sufice.

Daddio,
I know we argue alot. But im pretty sure thats because I get my stuborn hard headedness from you. I get alot of things from you. Alot of things that Im proud to have. I cant tell you how much you mean to me. Even though we dont say it very often anymore, I know you love me. And I know that when I started growing up you didnt know how to act with me anymore. You got tough a little bit. But I understand. Instead of playing catch in the yard and taking me to play football at the park, you have to watch me go through growing up stuff. When I got my heart broken you actually showed how much you cared. You were there. And I loved it. Thank you for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole.
I love you daddio
-kid.

Catalyst you insist to pull me down.

I dont have the quality.
Whatever quality it is you have to make you a functioning working human being.
I get bored to easily, even busy, it was boring but not in the way of I wasnt motivated, but in the way where I was doing the work just going through motions.
Im not okay with that.
So Ive decided my job will just be following awesome bands on tour...keeping a log.
RIGHT. I wish. Id need a fundraiser and everyone to donate.
Someone wanna get on that and keep my lively hood going? Didnt think so.
Im so afraid this journalism thing is a bust. Anytime someone asks about it and they say "oh yeah you can def. do it" Im afraid their only saying it because they dont wanna be the one to crush my dreams.
Its ok. Im a realist. I understand I probably wont make it. You can tell me if you dont think Im good enough. Or whatever.
Ill be ok.
I just dont know what else there is to do...its my high. When I did that interview, it was better than any drug...better than oxygen.

Im kind of craving it.

Like a moth to a flame, like a song without a name, I've never been the same since I met you

"I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry until the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down; you could tell me to go to hell. I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there."

what if you could change one. thing.

go back in time for one moment.

how would it actually....change everything?

Im not fuckin around.

Dont act like you fuckin know.

'Oh your so weird and obsessive.' Once you fall in love, youll forget all about that Green men'

Im sick of people telling me that shit because they think they understand.

Understand this then...

When I was moving and had no friends, I listened to Green Day(which coincidentally in 5th grade brought me to a person I consider a best friend to this day)

When my family was either hating me or pretending I didnt exist because I wasnt Amanda, I watched Green Day videos on the tv upstairs.

Billie Joe Armstrong taught me...everything, okay.

He taught me about politics and love,rock and roll, and even more in depth music...how to appreciate it.

For fucks sake I learned certain words by reading the lyric booklets in the cd. How to love words.

Do not even think for a second someone will ever take that bands place.

Because right now, I havent spoken to a friend in 2 days...no text, no messages on facebook...nothing.

All I fuckin have is Green Day, and ya know what?

Thats all Ive ever always had.

My grandmother claimed once I fall in love and get married Ill forget all about Green Day.

Its a different generation. And Im a different person than you are.

Nothing has taken their place in these 12 years, and christian didnt either...because he left.

Green Day will be something Ill always have.

So fuck you. You dont know me, or understand how important these 'strangers' are.

They fuckin keep me breathing at this point.

So just fuck off and leave me alone.

Join the choir we will be singing.

this...this helps. I love him. (is it terrible im envious of a little girl? dammmn)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_w_m8_IBh0

All these things I hate revolve around me.

I dont give a fuck. I will cry and scream and throw things.
I am in pain, and I will always blame myself for this pain, I will not forgive myself.
All these things. Concerts and things...its all a temporary fix. Because weather its after a show I wish I could tell him about. Or during a concert when I look to my right and hes not there experiencing it with me, I feel wrong.
I lost my best friend. I want to tell him everything. But hes not there anymore.
I got a job. I wanted to text him and tell him.
I am almost done moving, I wanted to go through things with him.
I wanted to take him to Roger Waters and Paul McCartney so he could sit in floor seats with me.
I wanted to send him postcards from Hawaii telling him how much I miss him.
My very best friend...the only person I could fully be myself around and tell every single thought to...is gone.
So yes. I will be depressed for a long time...because it hurts, and I dont have the energy to pretend it doesnt.

Im so empty I cant handle it. I miss him. And I wont stop missing him.

Waste another year flies by.

Today I drove down a road I havent been on since freshman year. I hadnt been on it since I left that person behind. It was strange in a fitting way.
Like a homecoming of sorts.
I saw and interacted with people I hadnt seen in almost three years.
After marissas grad party I drove past my old house. And tylers house. It sounds stalkerish but, I just wanted to go back. To go somewhere Christian never existed.
Back to before I knew anything here. Anyone. Before I knew what life or love was really about.
When I was just a freshie, waiting to see what was next.
Just waiting for something.

Is it bad that I wish I could stay there, to go back to the way I was and forget all the knowledge and experience Ive gained through moving to Latrobe?

Is it so terrible that I wish I wouldnt have met the people I had?

I wish I could just go back to being that girl...abused or not, it doesnt matter.I would take that pain over this any day...and I think thats bad.

I know I can never go back.

Graduate. Paper Chase, we'll get out of this place.

I never thought Id actually say it. Sitting on that stage felt surreal.
Andy falling before walking was freakin hilarious, and kevins fake mustache was pretty funny too.
I double knotted my chucks so I was guaranteed not to fall...accidentally.
To my surprise I got straight As fourth quarter and all As for final grades. My dad actually openly told me how proud of me he was and...I almost cried. It surprised me a little.
I wasnt going to shed a tear for those people I was separating with, because Ill stay close to my friends, but my dad almost made me cry.
Im so excited to see whats to come.

Im wired wrong.

Im graduating today. Graduating. One of the biggest days I will have in my life, the beginning of it all.

And am I worried about that? No.

Because it doesnt matter what the hell is on my plate, or how much shit I have to do...

Its him. Always there in my head, making me miss him and want to love him. To be his again.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?

We can't just walk away, babe

On greys anatomy there was a patient that mourned the death of the love of her life by having a heart attack on that day every year. Her heart would go into shock on its own, causing her so much pain she would end up at the hospital.
Its the first. I didnt realize it til Andrea asked how I was dealing with another ex anniversary.
When I woke up I was feeling nauseas and almost fainted getting ready for school.
If this happens the first of every month...Ill kill someone.
This pain is unbearable.
I was going through deleting old emails today and came across all these ones from christian...I started to tear up and had to go to the bathroom to pull myself together.
I cant deal with it anymore.
The pain isnt going away and I can not bear to cut him out of my life for good.
I need him. I always have.
Im so exhausted.

I wish some way, some how

I could turn this world right back around

and mend mistakes I made.

 

So I could say to you that

I know thing aren't quite like what they used to be

different faces, different places yeah.

We could try, oh yeah we could try.

What would you say if I

told you that I'm not givin' up

however long it takes

It's clear that things have changed

since when we started