You dont know where Ive been.

As of yesterday my plan for new years was stay in and watch Dick Clarks New Years Rockin Eve. Well I'm glad to say that's not the case anymore.
Drew decided that me, her, and the boys would go up to her family's townhouse up in hidden valley. I'm so freakin pumped. We're gonna go tubing and snowboard probably. Plus well stay the night, which will just make it easier to spend the whole January 1st with Christian for our anniversary.

I have an Ipod once again! My music is back in my life, and I need to go attack any of my friends for music since it was all lost that one day in June. But just to have a functioning ipod again just makes me wanna tear up. Sure it'd be dramatic, but I don't give a fuck.

I honestly don't want to go back to school. And not just in the normal teenager way after break, but I would love to just graduate on January 4th. Id be pleased. I have no motivation to finish Saveikis's map...which by the way no one sells maps of the USA anymore...I see it as a step toward socialism. Anyway. And Ive been blowing off my art history final/project book thing since she assigned it...and now its due and I'm bullshitting my way through it. Whatever she probably wont read facts, but look at pictures. And then on top of that I have to find inspiration to finish my reviews for my grad project. Fuck my life...thatll never happen.

Now announcing, the class of 2010. LGFUAD

Little girl, little girl why are you crying?

Well Its settled.

Im back to this.

So you ask me what I want this year.

Im in art history right now...Ross is singing to Christmas music. It actually kind of makes me happy. The woman is actually decent this year.

Anyway. Friday Drew and I rode the boys bus home and we hung out there for a little. Originally Christian and I were going to go see the Dave Matthews "movie" concert in 3-D...but it turns out it wasnt there. So we sat through 3 long hours of avatar. Seth and drew apparently ran around Barnes and Noble and the mall and stuff, then came to pick us up. We went back to the Jonczaks for our coats and hats. Then we drove over to Overlies and saw a penis bow(?) a farmer making inappropriate motions, and a cow that was hot for santa. It was cold but the bon fire was nice.
Drew and I said we were going to go sit on santas lap but, he looked creeper esque so we just squeeked by behind a baby.

Then Saturday I woke up to massive amounts of snow, more falling, and an empty house. I watched a few hours of mindless tv...because the remote was on my dresser.
Christian came over at 10 30 and we snuggled down on the couch, turned on the tree lights, and watched Christmas movies.
We watched the Holiday cus its cute. Elf where we both ended up falling asleep. And A Christmas Story, just cus its a classic. Ha.
Then we exchanged gifts. He got me Horton a stuffed elephant. SOOOOO soft. A punk compilation that kicks ass. And Green Day International Superhits on vinyl. Which. I cant wait to listen to. We ate tacos then went upstairs and just talked and watched some tv. It was really nice.

Sunday my dads jackass friends, their wives, and kids were in my basement for the Steeler game. So I decided to shower up and go see Christian play indoor soccer. It was pretty fun driving up.

Tomorrow I hope I get to go over to Christians to take a walk on the path we went on last winter. Its so nice back there. Well probably play COD after that for training ha.

sometimes...lifes good.

All I Want for Christmas...

I absolutely love giving presents.

I love watching their faces change in emotion.

Going from curiousity to happiness in a split second.

Stepping over the ripped wrapping paper on the floor.

Actually wrapping the presents to make them look delicious.

If I was a millionare thats what I would do...

Buy people presents.

When it hurts so much you cant breath...

"You wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything! I'm scared to move. I'm scared to breathe. I'm scared to touch you. I can't lose you! I won't survive. And that's your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in! And then you freaking died in my arms."

And I had so much time.

I wish I could open up my chest and crawl inside the hole that forms there.
Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think when I close my eyes, I actually disappear.
Well, at least thats what it seems like.
Lately. Ive been alone.
ALONE. alone.
I get up.
Go to school.
Force a smile, maybe a laugh.
Wave to people who I used to call friends, then walk away.
I come home.
Waste my life in my room under my blue christmas lights, watching my tinsel around my door blow when the heater turns on.
I stay up pointlessly until 12.
Slip into sleep, where I dream unfortunate dreams.
Then repeat. My life. Is on repeat.

I want to break free.
I want to sink. Deep into water and never reach the surface.
I want to stay there. Not needing to breath. and just...be there.
Watching in silence as the waves roll over my head.

Dont say another word, put my finger to your lips, and press.

Will you remember me?

Im so afraid of you leaving, it makes it so hard to concentrate on the moment in front of us.

Does that make me a bad person?

That I cant just take it as it comes?

Im just so afraid youll realize what youve left behind...and want it back?

Do you think about it...Im always afraid you do but dont tell me.

I try. Really Really Really hard. Im just terrified.

Im a frantic person.

Im a stupid person.

The Train

when did we start going the right direction?
did we turn around while I fell fast asleep?
so close to colliding but miss
feel the pressure to my feet
close my eyes and dream myself away
but my brain cant escape the soundwaves
and you just follow me back.

When Its Time to Party We Will Party Hard.

I hate that alot of the good 90s bands are over.
Like The Cranberries. And Eve 6.
I wish they were still together so I could see them in concert.
Im watching the 100 greatest 90s songs...which I might add doesnt feautre enough Green Day.
But. There are some jems.
I just wish I could see some of them live.
Im buying tickets to see Roger Daltry and Eric Clapton...which is HUGE!

Bands Ive Seen:
Green Day
Foo Fighters
Coldplay
Blink 182
Thrice
Third Eye Blind
The Used
Taking Back Sunday
Rise Against
Motion City Soundtrack
The Starting Line
New Found Glory
The Bravery
Chiodos
Silverstein
A Day to Remember
The Color Fred
Warped Tour 3 years in a row
BBKing
Rod Stewart
a few Fall Out Boy
Panic at the Disco
The Hush Sound
From First to Last
All American Rejects a couple times

Pokerface.

Thats right. I put a lady gaga song as a title for a blog about Green Day!

What? What!?

The only real reason I respect her is because she is a Green Day fan...and I have to approve of that. She is out of her mind but can pull it off, because she does it with style and a fuck you attitude...Id like to assume that comes from being a Green Day fan.

Sometimes, I get into these Green Day kicks and its so hard to get out of them.

I look at pictures. Write blogs. Listen to them. Read books about them. Watch videos and dvds of them. Obsess over GDA (which is the best site in the known world. for the record Hannah)

Anyways I can not wait for them to come back to the states to tour this spring.

Ill get there earlier with a real fuckin camera this time.

And a part of me...a veeeerrrry indecisive afraid part of me thinks I have it in me to shoot for an interview.

YEAH RIGHT! Id drop dead where I stood. Or get struck by lighting before that would happen.

But what if.

what if the tiniest littlest if ...

I do get the interview.

I got the Taking Back Sunday interview. That was huge for me. So why not Green Day?

Stalls said "One day youll interview them. I know it."

Oh really? Hows that?

Anyways...if that happens, my life is utterly perfect and to ask for anything more would be just greedy and selfish.

Because I feel so right

Let my imagination go

Until you're in my sight

And through my veins temptation flows

"SATs: Achieve More"

I knew my grapes were on the floor by my left foot.
I knew I had three extra pencils in front of me.
I knew the TV hanging from the ceiling was a magnovox.
I knew Jen Dado was three rows, and 4 seats back from me.
I knew the snow outside the window was sticking.
What I didn't know was any of the shit on the SATs.
Achieve more my ass, I didn't know jack.

Swallow all your bitter pills

I love listening to famous rock stars talk about how much they love music!

I was watching the Foo Fighters on some show on fuse and Dave was talking about how much he loved rock and roll.

How relevant it still is. How it make people feel. What it stands for.

I was watching Bullet in a Bible...Billie talks about the same thing.

I realized I relate to them...we both love and appreciate the music.

I leave my heart when I leave him.

And it takes no time to fall in love

But it takes you years to know what love is

And it takes some fears to make you trust

It takes those tears to make it rust

It takes the dust to have it polished

You're the one who looked right through me.

I think the reason I enjoy journalism the most is because Im so used to people ignoring me in class...or not being good at the work.

Theres no tests. I think that may be another reason.

When I was walking out of the class I realized this.

People add me on facebook, and Ive never spoken to them...granted I do the same but thats just cause their usually cooler than I am and everyone has heard of them.

Anyways, is it weird to see me in the hallway and not know me?

Another reason I thought of this is because my Person Place and Song is going to be in Serendipity and the people who actually read it will probably be bored to tears...BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW ME.

They dont know my style. tone of voice. sarcasm. anything.

How many people do know me.

Or recognize me. I know when I see people in the hall, I start asking myself questions about them.

But do people even see me?

Whisky shots & cheap cigarettes

I have 250 Green Day songs on my Itunes.
You know how many I have on my Ipod? Zero.
Fuck Technology
Fuck being sick.

Friday I got sick. It was miserable to deal with, but I got to miss school today.
If I wasn't sleeping I was watching Bullet in a Bible.
Ive decided I always loved it, and if given the chance I will talk about it for hours on end.

If you haven't noticed I'm on another Green Day kick as of lately.

Anyways.
I take the SAT's on Saturday and I couldn't be more terrified.
What if I do terrible? There goes my future...or any hopes I had of getting one.

Then on the 11th I leave for New York until the 15th.
Without my damn ipod may I add. If its not fixed by then I'm calling when I get home and demanding a god damn new one...those son of a bitches.
So, I think I'm going to see Hair while I'm there. I refuse to see Shrek.
I saw Monty Python last year.
The only other one that we might check out is Wicked...so well see.
I'm so excited to go back.
Ive been wanting to go back since I left and now I get to do all the things I didn't get to do last time. And Ill get to explore Central Park a little more, and shop more.

I pretty certain I cant hang out with Tim ever. Mainly because I have this fear he'll ask questions about why I broke it off when we moved here.
I don't want to deal with that...I mean, in all honesty, nothing ever really happened there besides awkward hand holding you usually see in Jr. High.

Christian and I are on 11 months now, that blows my mind.
I never thought it was going to last this long but then again looking back I don't know how it wouldn't have. Its a euphoric but fantastic feeling to be with him.

There's just some people I will always hate. Weather I have a reason or not, its just going to happen. So when I sign onto facebook, the last thing I want to see is some bullshit about them to get me all angry.
Sometimes I debate on deleting my facebook all together, usually brings me nothing but annoyance.

As God as my witness
The infidels are gonna pay