It's my birthday and I cannot find no cause for celebration.

So tomorrows my Brithday. Do I really care? No.

My present was last Saturday when I met Billie. Other than that I only actually want one thing...but you cant buy it. Hed have to decide to take me back all on his own. Which I know isnt going to happen. So it kind of makes this whole birthday thing, a real downer for me.

Yeah, Ill make some cash. Thats about it.

Ill go to sleep alone, with nobody saying 'Happy Birthday. I love you dear.'

Its all I want. I want him for my birthday. It kills me he doesnt care anymore. Im not even going to lie.

So, once again:

And I heave my breath at burning wax,cause that spark ain't coming back.

But I believed in more than nothingness last year,and under every quiet failure it's still here.

Buried breathing under 18 years of tragedy and fear.

For I am the Caesar,I'm gonna seize the day.

Ive been feeling a little guilty lately. Because for the first time in 16 months, I am having little crush- like thoughts about someone who isn't Christian. Its been a month. It doesn't feel like a month, by any means necessary. Anyways, its not like he cares.
But to be perfectly honest I don't particularly care anymore. I'll graduate, pull my shit together and leave this frozen wasteland of a place for somewhere warm.With a beach. And actual atmosphere I want to be around.

Yeah, Ive got California on the brain lately. Even to the extent of looking at colleges out there.

I'm not really sure yet though. Maybe New York...if I'm willing to give up the warm and beachy parts of my dream.

Music makes me happy again, and I'm really glad. For a while there it felt like I wasn't going to be able to recover there.Billie Joe. He makes me happy, so I'm going to focus on him. I used to in...7th grade or whatever. And I was single then too. But I was still happy. And simple. So I'm going back to that. Fuck everything else.

I should probably start coming to school again and doing my work in class and out may help a little too.
By the way, Guidance Office: Thank you for all your overwhelming guidance, I'm glad every time I come in to talk to you...your never there and don't get back to me about an appointment. Let me tell ya, wed all be lost without you.

My dad and I kind of had a heart to heart the other night while practicing my parking. He was telling me I have to live my life and be my own person.And that I have real potential, and if I focus on something he knows Ill get there. Normally I would say that's a corny speech, but coming from him...he never says stuff like that. Then he went on to say how he would have my back, that he would get me where ever it is I need to be, so I can be successful. It was strange in a nice, sort of way.

Ive decided what tattoo I'm going to get,since I love my other one to death. I think Ill get it between coming back from Maui and going to Buffalo to see Green Day. Maybe I didn't blog about that? Yeah August 5th my mom said if I did the work she would drive me. Were driving 4 hours. Staying 2 nights, [technically] three days in an un reviewed hotel. And I have a general admission ticket, and my mom has a section 1 seat. We get shit done. For real. I'll probably be one of the first people in line again. Im stoked.

Anyways. Tattoo in the two weeks between those events sounds like a good plan.

Where the ever-after, is in the hands of fate.

I'm sitting in Richter's room on the window sill. I'm thinking of the past, present, future. And realizing it doesn't matter. Why you ask?

Because in the back of an ill lit theater on Saturday April 24th I met the person who has:

Changed my life.

Gave me hope, when there was none to be had

Blown my mind lyrically, musically, and theatrically.

Has been there, unknowingly, through it all

Made me...me. Down to the very core of my existence.

I met Billie Joe Armstrong.

Although I spent a wonderful weekend in New York City. And had a blast.

There is nothing on my mind right now...except for what exactly this man fully means to me.

Caution(police line, you better not cross): You Have Been Warned.

I know it was November of 97.

For some reason my little brain, listening to this angst filled album, pulled out Billies voice and carried it home that night. I asked Sarah to play Nimrod every time I was there for years.

Green Day wasn't always the for front of my brain, like it has been since I was 10, other bands played around in there.

But they remained a constant security blanket. Something that felt like home.

Seeing them live brought me to tears. Going to Broadway was all I wanted for my 18th birthday to see the musical. Meeting Billie Joe Armstrong was what Ive been dreaming about since I was 13. And It happened.

I'm probably misreading the signs here but that 10 seconds, made me realize what I have to do.

What I should be doing. And that's not bail on this whole journalism idea just because it seems hard.

Just because I may not make it right away.

Maybe this was Gods way of saying...stop talking shit on me you dumbass!

Do this. Meet him again, for real. But for now you need inspiration? Motivation?

I give you Billie Joe Armstrong. Run with it.
And I couldn't be happier if I tried.

Its hard to say that I was wrong. Its hard to say I miss you.

I refuse to have hope.

And maybe thats because through my entire existence, the opposite of what I hoped always occurred.
I am a pessimist because its my luck. I am more likely to get fucked over rather than to have the better outcome.
God is pessimistic about my life I think. Hes to the point where hes saying, okay, fine...your so fucking nervous of this happening, here you go. Deal with it.
Im pretty sure Ive been having anxiety attacks. I wouldnt say that, but normally I dont wake up in cold sweats, screaming and crying.
That is of course, if I sleep at all. 5 am wake ups and 1 am pass outs.

Anytime it seems I had hope of succeeding, I lose.
I always fucking lose...and that will be my attitude until the day I die.
I know people say that your attitude will effect the outcome, because youll have confidence.
Maybe thats true. Lord knows Ive never once been confident in anything I was doing or saying.

Whatever. Im rambling. Who gives a fuck.

Just. Fuck it.

While I'm wide awake he's no trouble sleeping.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

When I was a little girl. I didnt have big dreams.

I never wanted to be a doctor.

I never wanted to be a singer.

I wanted one thing in my life.

Someone to love, and love me in return.

But now, as I walk down hallways alone, I hate the site of love.

It makes me winded.

Makes me ill.

My hearts been broken

My spirit has been broken.

He was the first person I ever really believed in...and he walked away.

Ive begun to hate the feeling of love. Something I used to be so sure of.

That no matter what life brought you, it wouldnt matter if the person you loved held you through it all.

I still believe that.

I envy those who have it.

I'd like to hear a great musician.With strange ideas and grand ambition.

Green Day pre sale tickets to the D.C show go on sale today.

I'm thinking of buying them...just in case they don't schedule a last minute Pittsburgh tour.

I think it'd be a good idea. Because if they don't, hey I still get to see them.

And if they do, kick ass Ill see them twice.

I have this mucho huge English research paper due at the end of the month. Some 5 to 8 pages on the benefits of the fine arts being taught in public schools. I literally have one source so far... I'm half tempted to just say fuck it, but there isn't a total point value listed...so that could be dicey. But if I did, I could probably pull out a C and a B for the final grade.

I'm taking my driving test today. Mr. Cooks been telling me that this whole time Ive got nothing to worry about. But with this drivers license I have to get a job. I applied at Panera Bread, Shop n Save, and a few other places. I really hope I get the Panera job.

The more and more I think of going to Hawaii, the more I wish I could just stay there. Start over. Find a nice Hawaiian boy settle down in a nice, comfy little beach house and raise a family of rock loving surfers. That are to loud for the tourists and skateboard everywhere and that fly to California when Green Day is touring. But that's all just a dream. A lot of dreams are dreamt but never pursued.

They used to tell us all the time if you dream and wish for something, it ll come true. That's bullshit. Whose brilliant idea was it to fill children's heads with things that are bold faced lies. Not even little white ones. I mean sure, you can work towards something ( but they leave that part out) but even then sometimes its just a big fat waste of time.

I love laying in the sun.

Under the sun, it feels easy. Just me in the grass. And the warmth. With the music loud and echoing, everything else goes away. I can breath easy.

I had a pocket full of dreams...but I gave them all to you.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

Yeah, Im such a dork, I quote Lord of the Rings in my blog. Whatever... it works.

And we’ll sing out loud for hours.

Today I went to mammouth park with mouse and cate.
The day started ridiculous with mouse getting pulled over for going 20 in a 15 mph zone!?
wow your cool park police.

I got sunburned out the ass and we ate junk food instead of a real picnic...which is to be expected with me.

It helped. The whole friends thing.
It helped with the mending.