Without you it’s a waste of time.

Yesterday I was forced into going to my great uncle and great aunts 50th anniversary.
I felt like a terrible person because I respected their marriage but didn't know them well enough to be there I thought.
So we went to the church where they'd gotten married, they renewed their vows, and we went to a dinning hall to listen to stories about when they first met and ate massive amounts of food.

When we got there was when I really started to watch them.
I looked at his eyes when he looked at her and I could see how in love he was.
I watched her smile and blush a little when he would lean in and peck her on the lips.
The story of when they met made me get tears in my eyes.

[I saw my future if Id ever have this.]

She remembered every little detail of how they met, and what he was wearing, and what they talked about.
When she talked about their first date she got excited and kept jumping ahead in the story.
He teared up quite a bit as well, and when the story was over they sat there contently.
I would have put money on it the memory was going through both of their heads.

I realized I want this.
I want to spend my life with someone that I unconditionally love with all of my heart.
And know they feel the same.
They have actually achieved true love.
I hope I'm lucky enough to find it someday.

Always.

Have you ever broken your own heart?

Have you ever done it twice?

And your hands they shake with goodbyes

And I'll take you back if you'd have me

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you

Always

Kiss you taste you all night

Always

my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them touching you.

Third Eye Fucking Blind.

Front row. With one of my best best friends.

What the hell could get better than that.

It was like a religious experience.

I'm not even gonna lie I felt more spiritual and real there than I ever had at any church.

I cant do it justice.

The day started out with this dull haze over my brain.

I was out of it. Rough night.

I had tapped out and was torn up.

After some Green Day and swinging on a tire swing and inappropriate dinner conversation, things started looking up.

We got there and it was like, my people are the misfits the freaks, to quote the band.

There were all these different people there. I actually heard two girls in the bathroom say,

" My grandma is so happy, she has loved third eye blind for so long."

That did my heart good.

Anyway.

An opener with one good song, talking about two losers who find each other in love, while the keyboardist pounded away and the lead singer kept his shades on in the dark.

It was pretty funny.

Played some war with a deck of commandeered cards, and the game went on so much longer than we'd expected.

Finally they came out. Ripping guitars, and drum beats that made people want to take on the large security guard.

They kept a steady flow of crazy fun sing along songs with the ones that pull on the heart strings.

Even to go as far as pulling out the couch they recorded their new album on for a mid set acoustic deal.

It was beautiful.

[I'm sorry God of Wine still came out of nowhere for me in the most fantastic way possible.]

There was something about the closeness in the audience that made me realize this is the drug Ive been addicted to since the age of 11.

The atmosphere and adrenaline rush I gain from concerts and seeing bands I love and people I don't know joined in one room in harmony for a single night of memories.

I don't know. I just thought it was beautiful. And third eye blinds music and amazing set only contributed to the epic night.

Oh, and by the way, you've told me this but, I hope you had a good time with this birthday present Blaine. ha.

So if you want to talk the night through, guess who will be there?

Don’t Disappear(Darlin’ I want you)

Don’t leave me here(And when the day comes)

I’ll meet you here

‘Cause I know that wishes come true

I’m finding my way back to you

Im free with you.

I dont have to worry about what Im saying.

Or what your thinking.

If youd leave me today, my feelings would stay the same.

They have been the same.

They will always be the same.

Never doubt that.

Who are you fighting for?

They were nothing more than traitors.

Little spiteful enemies falling out of my eyes.

Telling the world exactly how I was feeling.

He was the victor with this knowledge.

Read my every strategy.

Knew my weaknesses and what attacks to make a forceful blow, and which ones to fall back with.

There was no question in my mind, I would lose the battle tonight.

In a shocking revelation, my defense rose to the occasion.

It ended with a signing of a peace treaty, in hopes of never waging this war again.

Life Before the Lobotomy.

Love conquers every time when two hearts come to collide.

You're the card in my valentine and the candy hearts in my mind.

And true love is the rule, and you're nobody's fool.

The ship's coming to the light and it was love at first sight.

Baby, baby, you're the light and the flame burns in my mind's eye.

When triumph bleeds into bliss, and I knew it from the first kiss.

Hearts collide.

Hearts collide.

-Green Day-

Ive been waiting for this since 2004.

To buy the record, take it up into my room.

Turn off all the lights/cellphones/computers.

Lock my door.

And just listen. Finally.

Nice Guys Finish Last.

The center of attention

Got an honorable mention once again

Congratulations and salutations

You're a figment of your own imagination

-Green Day

Today I was forced and hearded into the auditorium like cattle to watch people who could give a shit less about my existance be awarded for being cocky son of a bitches.

It made me very pro life.

And when I say pro life, I mean I looked at my academic, artistic, and athletic carreer in shame.

Today was saying, "You, you have failed. These people who walk down the halls and judge you...these are the good people. Be like them."

Im sorry.

That was wrong.

There were a few of my friends who won awards, honorable mentions, and were mentioned in passing for their success.

I clapped for them. I know them.

They are good people.

Brilliant people even.

But pulling up the hockey team and all the brains with their success...made me feel like the shit of the school. Im not gonna lie.

Ive thought about this frequently as it is...I didnt actually need the school to point it out to me as well.

I figured out the inner reason I didnt join softball for the second year in a row.

Its because I feared them.

The starting shortstop on the team was awarded...she was tall and blonde and popular[I could tell by the amount of clapping.]

Then there was me sitting there all slumped over, five foot nothing.

I feared failure in front of a girl I didnt know.

I felt pathetic.

I felt ridiculous.

And now im just ranting and being a bitch....so Im stopping.

Im closing with something a friend said to sum it all up. He was right.

"Nothing but dicks, pricks and stuck up chicks."

If I lose everything in the fire, im sending all my love to you.

I wait.

Like Ive been waiting.

At first I expected this to be a dream, but Ive been awake.

Its not waiting anymore.

Its not contained anymore.

Its not just a thought in my head or a wish in my heart.

Its real.

I can say it out loud and its true.

I'm irreversible.

You've given me something that's irreversible, and astounding.

This summer I plan on going to Kennywood.

With who yet, I don't really care.

Point is, I want to face a fear Ive had for a long time.

I'm terrified of Ferris wheels.

Maybe its because when I was little I was forced into one that looked like a cage.

Ive never been the same since.

But I want to get over it...but not alone.

While I wrote this is was thundering and lightning.

The sky is really dark and ominous.

I wish it would just rain.

I wish I wasn't sick so I could go take a walk in it.

I would be perfect to just lay here; with you.

(dont leave, its so much better when you're with me)

Nobody said it was easy.

So. I dont know what Im doing anymore.
I just know at the end of the day it can be me. And you.
And I know, thats all I need.
Thats all I want.

It was the best idea I ever had.

"$280 dollars for a blow job, what kind of price is that?"

"Classy girls. "

And so started an epic night.

I don't even know how to explain it. The perfection of the night cant even be put into words.

Blaine tried his damnedest to make sure I wasn't smashed into a trillion pieces...but I'm pretty sure all my organs got pushed out of my body while waiting for the space pimps to come out.

They did awesome by the way. They freakin rocked the spice girls cover.

Anyway. It only took us about a half set from RC Static to make it to about three shuffled rows away from the stage. But of course the longer we were there, the less oxygen we received. And the stupid blond whore beside me not only pushed Blaine to the opposite side of my, but kept fucking elbowing me in the ribs. And Id like to raise the question...why the fuck do girls spike their fucking hair?!

Stupid red haired girl got her hair in my mouth and eyes. Whateve. I got around her.

Blaine about pissed himself when he caught the space pimps drumstick.

It was a fantastic moment.

So before the used even came out I was like, "well fuck this shit." Literally if I would have waited 5 more minutes I would have passed out. And I didn't feel like doing that to poor Blaine, so I gave him the camera and got the hell out of there via crowd surfing.

[he took fuckin awesome pictures by the way. I couldn't have done better myself ]

So I bought us both waters and decided to venture to the deck in club zoo. I had a damn good front row view of the stage, so I was pleased. I chilled there for a good 5 songs, until I realized I still hadn't told Blaine where I was. So against my better judgment, I looked for the mohawk'd one during one of my most favorite songs.

Sokay though. Found him and chef. Moshed a bit. Almost broke my collarbone, but whatever. Its all in great amazing fun of a rowdy punk rock family.

After the show was over, we shivered our way down the street two blocks to Primani's and split some fries to the greatness that is The X radio station.

After almost being killed by a very sleepy speeding man in a jeep, we managed to make it back here.Crash. Crash. Crash.

My adrenaline is drained for the next week, for sure.

The Used played almost every single song I wanted them too.

It was all totally fucking worth it. Best concert Ive ever been too, and one of the best nights Ive ever had.

p.s. So...whose ready for Third Eye Fuckin Blind? ha

I dont know how to write this blog.

I really dont.

It was going to be about reality and taking a step back from your life to see what youve got.

But, thats wrong.

Then it was about windows.

But that was wrong too.

So fuck it.

Im happy right now.

Thats my reality.

Happiness.

Yeah im a dork, dont judge me.

Miss Halfway.