Cut me up, Jenny.

"You wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything! I'm scared to move. I'm scared to breathe. I'm scared to touch you. I can't lose you! I won't survive. And that's your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in! And then you freaking died in my arms."

I put this quote in a blog a while ago. It holds true.

I was going to send this to post secret but ...maybe I just need to write it out.

I drove down the yellow lines Friday. 95 mph with my lights off in the rain.

When I went around the corner I drifted to the left. I felt a tiny bit hopeful.

I could see for a stretch that no one was coming so I easily crept over into my lane. I was disappointed.

I think if I didn't love my car so much I would hit one of the coal trucks that powerfully fly down my road.
Did I pull out in front of the bus on purpose? I saw it. Its giant and yellow. Did I want a car to be coming to be sandwiched in between?
Did I choose to try right outside of the school parking lot?
Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe I was just caught up in Green Day and I really didn't notice the bus coming...and I got lucky when I missed it.
I don't sleep anymore. I take power naps after school that pull me through the night...because I cant sleep.

I know while I'm napping if I wake up, my mom will be there. Instead of the silent darkness of my room.

If spinner dies. I will be destroyed. Hes the only thing that isn't fogged by the memory of Christian. I bought him on my own. He doesn't have any strings attached. And if he dies...Ill lose hope that nothing good can come out of this for me.

its not as if anyone reads my blogs anymore anyway.