Hiding my heart.

I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You'll disappear someday

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I will always be broken.

Cut me up, Jenny.

"You wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything! I'm scared to move. I'm scared to breathe. I'm scared to touch you. I can't lose you! I won't survive. And that's your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in! And then you freaking died in my arms."

I put this quote in a blog a while ago. It holds true.

I was going to send this to post secret but ...maybe I just need to write it out.

I drove down the yellow lines Friday. 95 mph with my lights off in the rain.

When I went around the corner I drifted to the left. I felt a tiny bit hopeful.

I could see for a stretch that no one was coming so I easily crept over into my lane. I was disappointed.

I think if I didn't love my car so much I would hit one of the coal trucks that powerfully fly down my road.
Did I pull out in front of the bus on purpose? I saw it. Its giant and yellow. Did I want a car to be coming to be sandwiched in between?
Did I choose to try right outside of the school parking lot?
Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe I was just caught up in Green Day and I really didn't notice the bus coming...and I got lucky when I missed it.
I don't sleep anymore. I take power naps after school that pull me through the night...because I cant sleep.

I know while I'm napping if I wake up, my mom will be there. Instead of the silent darkness of my room.

If spinner dies. I will be destroyed. Hes the only thing that isn't fogged by the memory of Christian. I bought him on my own. He doesn't have any strings attached. And if he dies...Ill lose hope that nothing good can come out of this for me.

its not as if anyone reads my blogs anymore anyway.

Well, you missed me, kissed me, now you better shoot me down.

Okay. So to hell with it.
These are the people I love.

Make fun all you want, these are the ones getting me through.

Life starts now.

I know the day Billie Joe dies...its all over.

No hope left for humanity.

I hope things change. Im tired of being tired.

Im going to make things change.

Anxiety.

Stop everything.
Just come back to me please.
I can not do this. I am not strong enough.
Please. Im begging you.

This is the starting of my greatest fear.

I desperately miss who you used to be.
This person now, is mean. And rude. Harsh and loves to watch me in pain.
The person I loved was sweet with me. Patient.
Caring, and just being in his arms made me feel safe and loved.
He was innocent when it came to education, but it was cute when he learned something he didnt know.
Watching his face turn and then smile with that perfectly imperfect jaw.
I loved it. And the way his mediterranean eyes would look at me when I was being grumpy, like he knew what was going to make me laugh.

This person is gone...and he took my heart with him. This new creature in his place is cruel and still has that control. I want to break free of it all and realize the love of my life is gone, he ceases to exist anymore...and this is what remains.
But I cant. Its a hurt to deep. I cant get over. I pray every night that my love comes back, and we can be as we once were. Those times are gone now.
I always wanted to believe the things you promised me were true, I hoped I was wrong that it was unlikely.I thought you believed enough for the both of us.
Then you left me. A part of me inside died, and I dont know how itll ever be brought back.
I wish you could read this.
But I know better, love.

You thought I was a write off, you better think again.

Ive been driving to school these past couple of days.I'm in love with it. Although I seem to have an overwhelming urge to make a break for it all through my day...that's normal, now I just have a way of getting out.

Today in astronomy Mr. Brandt said, "So, time doesn't exist." [ in his big booming Mr. Brandt voice that I love.] And I nearly lost my mind. Because all through ASP last summer I would tell mousegirl and Sarg that I didn't believe in it, and now it has to be true. Brittany didn't understand my excitement.

I'm in art history right now and in the CSC there is loud Mexican music playing and every once in a while Ill hear an "Olay"...totally forgot today was Cinco De Mayo. In Spanish class I was always a bigger fan of the day of the dead. Go figure.

I'm not going to lie. I'm absolutely terrified of going to prom. I thought I could handle it and tough it out...I just don't know what to expect. I guess that's life. But. At this point I would rather walk out on a battlefield in that dress. I guess I just have to put on my game face and pretend like I am going to war. Hopefully its not as bad as I think. I have no expectations for the night. I told my mom not to come to the Jonczaks for pictures. After I get my hair done I'm going to put on my dress and we'll go up to mammoth by ourselves and take pictures of just me, then shes going to drop me off at their house. I don't want anymore pictures that are just going to make me want to cry.

Adrian asked me in Classic Civ yesterday how I can blog twice a day sometimes. What I write.
I don't understand how people don't get it? Wei used to criticize me saying there was no way I had that much to say, to start a blog. Whatever. It lets me vent.

I honestly dont think I will ever get down from this Green Day high, since I met Billie.

My heart beats in its cage

I cant be your crutch when I can hardly stand on my own two feet, so you dont get to be mad at me when I get annoyed.
You made me feel. I was perfectly fine being void of passion, emotion, experience, and true love. Now I crave it. Like a fuckin junkie. And I blame you for making me feel empty.
You. I depend on you, like yellow does on blue. And I thank you for being like a brother to me.
I always know, your my person, dirty mistress.
Get a fucking clue. I have known about how you felt since July...and I still dont want you. You drive me insane. By the way. I hate when you hug or touch me in anyway.
I hope we get closer. Im starting to become quite fond of you.
Im going to miss you when you leave, youve become a good friend and Ill miss driving to Eve 6 & JEW.

I hate odd numbers, except 21, its my lucky number. Like if my phone has 199 texts in my inbox I delete an unimportant one.
There are so many beautiful sights in the world, and I need to capture them all. Dissect the color. Then put them together again.

Your face is white in spinning lights.

This weekend had its ups and downs I suppose. (nowhere near as high as last Saturday.)
Friday night I went down to the pens game with Christian and Mike Harr. It was okay. Then Andy Menarchek, Joe, and Sam Gross came which made the pain subside a little bit.
Christian and I have this thing. I dont know how to explain. Sometimes it feels like a coal truck hitting me, then other times I feel alright.
Anyways. So Saturday after running around Delmont to find my dad and his new man truck I went to keener.It was literally a cluster fuck. So I got out of there.
After a few hard hours of a breakdown Lorris texted me.I ended up hanging with her, Andy again and one of his friends. We met up at eatin park and were there for close to 4 hours I believe. Most of it spent in the parking lot. Andy scared the shit out of these girls trying to eat. He popped up by their window with a bat...It was funny. Had to be there. We ran into Kayla and Connor which was random and hilarious...but thats about it.
Sunday was a dull annoying day, filled with family. And food that I hate being served to me as a birthday dinner. But whatever I made a nice chunk of change overall.
My prom dress came in the other day. The dumb bitch ordered me a size two so she could fit it accordingly, and when I put it on, it almost fell off of me again. But I get it back tonight and hope its nice and perfect.
Prom. Shit. Im terrified. Ive renamed it D Day. Because christian could either be alright or make this a fucking nightmare. I really hope it isnt the latter.
Im sick of people telling me all these wonderful stories about couples who broke up and got together a thousand times and are now happy. Its not going to happen for me. Christian and I arent the normal couple...hell move on to other girls without giving me a second thought, and Ill sit here torturing myself over it all.
In that moment I felt blissfully happy, until he opened his mouth and spewed thoughtless indifference.