You know I love you, but I feel so one in ten.

The cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you don't mind
you smile
And say the world it doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
You're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming
To take me
Home

-TEB-

Summer Stars.

Do you remember the time when you and i were fine
hiding under the apple tree there was no one but you and me
we would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars

So summers is over. Tonight is the last night of it.
And shit man. Have things changed drastically.
I dont even know what happened.
But looking back at it, I knew it would all change.
Things always change.

and we were better then then we'd ever been before
you came back to me after walking out my door
you would call me on the phone before you even got home

without me you said you were all alone

I think of late nights staying up til 4.
Going to a 10 pm showing of a movie and coming back at 2 in the morning
Playing baseball...uh...anywhere we wanted.
Concerts. Concerts. Concerts.
Sleeping in until 2.
Watching all of Friends, That 70s show, and Greys Anatomy.
Baking.
Love.
Distance.
Change.
Things are different.
Irreversible.

the cold wind that blows all the things i used to know
how could it play so fast
never thought you'd be part of my past
would i trade it all again to get you out of my head?

Honestly though, I dont think I could have seen summer coming to a close any other way.
It was innevitable.
Senior year was slowly but surely approaching for 3 months.
And time is up. Shit hit the fan. The jig is up.
I dont know. But I think Id undoubtedly do it over again in a heartbeat.
But would I change anything?

When you were young.

It's astounding, time is fleeting

Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

I feel like I'm back there still.
Like, its deja vu.
Like im still sitting in the back of the bus being laughed at for the music I love.
A part of me I guess, still wishes I was that girl.
So many things have changed.
And back then...
Back then it was simple ya know?

Your 13 years old.
You love music.
The Doors & Led Zeppelin are gods of course, but heres a band you have and are living for.
Things were simple.
I didnt have to make any decisions about my future.
There was no job in my equation.

A distinct memory of mine.
Laying on my floor, listening to Waiting.
Sunlight beaming through my open window onto my face.
And the wind was just barely making my thin white curtains flow.
I was happy. Nothing was wrong.
All blue skies and clear nights.

That was fuckin 7th grade.

How did I end up here?
Why is there a scar on my chin? When did I decide I didnt need softball? Why did I stop trying in school? Why am I so paranoid? Who made me think no one is worth trusting?
When did I break myself of innocence and decide that being myself wasnt good enough?

Its like all of a sudden Im doing things that I never thought would actually happen.
It seemed like some far off fantasy life where I was growing up.

Im a senior.

The thought isnt terrifying. Not by a long shot.
But whats scary is I look myself in the eye every morning.
I lived all the things Ive lived. Made all the decisions I have made.
And I still dont know how in the fuck I ended up where I am now.
Or more so...who I am now.
Kinda trips me out.

Tell me that I wont feel a thing, so give me novacaine.

Sometimes people come into your life.
And you know right away that they were meant to be there.
To serve some sort of purpose.
Teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be;
a roommate
a neighbor
a professor
a friend
a lover
even a complete stranger.
But when you lock eyes with them, you know that...

at that very moment they will affect your life in some way.

Where my familys from.

The man brings his mom on stage...

God.

Sometimes you cant make it on your own.

Its weird when reality hits you.
And your like, "oh. yeah I see now. God am I stupid."

I just had one of those moments.
Its kind of an unsettling feeling.
Kind of a mix of homesick and wanting to be in the dark like before.

"sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."
[ thank you Greys Anatomy]

I find comfort in Green Day.
Its really helping me again.
Its like some ridiculous therapeutic thing I do.
Something goes wrong, something is out of my control...

I turn to Green Day.

Interviews, Music, DVDs, Concerts straight up Billie Joe...anything and everything in my collection.

Its a comfort thing.
I don't know what I would do without them.

Handle This.

"Throughout your life theres going to be a lot of opportunities that come up. And their going to seem great. And their going to seem wonderful. And their going to seem like their gonna make life a heck of a lot easier, but you have to walk away. And at times its gonna seem really difficult to do that, but you have to. Because you deserve better. But hey, you know something, its your life, its your decision. You know whats best for you."

I'll tell you what I want; what I really really want.

I want a picnic in the snow, with hot dumplings and soup on a checkerboard blanket.

I'm pretty sure if someone sang ANY Rod Stewart song to me in a cappella I would die right there.

If someone gave me a mix cd of all the old classic love songs, Id openly weep.

I want to dance in the street under the stars to no music.

I want to star gaze.
I want to find flowers at my doorstep for no reason.
I want to walk on the beach at sunrise.
I want to build a snowman then have a snowball fight around him, ending his snowy days plowing him down with my sled.

I want to make breakfast in bed just because its a Saturday morning.

I want to swing on a swing set at 2 in the morning.
I want to go for a walk when I cant sleep.
I want to kick a pile of leaves in the fall.

I want to go to a antique store and pick out lovely dishes and decor. [yeah im a loser]

I want to spend an entire day in bed doing nothing.

I want to spend one day and two nights out.

I want to drive through states & states & states. [roadtrippin]

I want to ice skate in front of the Rockefeller Christmas tree in New York.

Ive been watching to many chick flicks/romantic comedies for my own good.