Roshambo.

"Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen. "

"Sometimes. Fate...works in really messed up ways, but it is there."

I dont believe in anyone.

I dont believe in anything.

I dont believe a damn thing anyone says anymore.

Fuck you.

I wish you actually loved me, instead of loving me because Im here.

I wish you kept those fucking empty promises.

I wish you actually meant what you say.

Look what youve done

"I know its not politically correct, but...I dont care. I love you guys."
-Mr Saveikis.

"If I could paint the world yellow...I would."
-Mr. Snyder

So far everything has been okay. Academic wise.
I can muddle through drivers ed for a quarter. Film media will be a good time now that we dont have to write a screenplay. And Classic civ seems to be one of my favorite classes yet.
Something just seems off.
I dont know why.
Walking down the hall I asked myself...when was the last time I spoke to someone that didnt sit at lunch with me.
I dont open my mouth anymore.

Somethings wrong with me.
I just cant figure it out yet.

Stallings said I do things that uncomfortable for me, but I do them well.
I dont believe her.

All I want to do right now is curl up on the couch with my rice crispy treat cereal.

Just like a star.

"No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do...I remember it. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget."

I knew that before you did.

I wrote endlessly.
Mindlessly.
It just escapes my mind through my pencil.
Im sinking.
Drowning
You watch as if nothings happening.
My memories become murky
Looking through a dirty window.
Think of the times
I guess its goodbye.

The plans I make still have you in them

'Cause you come swimmin' into view

And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do

The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you

I only know because I carry you around

In the background

Home.

I love the smell on my clothes after coming home from my Maw and Pappios.
Our coats smell like the wood fire from hanging in the basement above the fire box and our clothes hold the strong scent of whatever food my grandma cooks that day.
Today's smell is roast beef with a small hint of fresh rolls.

In all honesty I love their home. I hope one day I get to live there. Its so homey...stable.
I guess that's what its always been to me. A constant. It never changed.
Everyone knows that the slippers are in the downstairs bedroom on the left side of the wardrobe.
Everyone knows you cant hold the flusher down on the toilet to long or it'll run. And that the hot and cold water handles are flipped in the bathroom.

I love sitting on the glider and looking out into the massive yard that leads into the woods. Seeing the cars come down the huge hill on the other side of Wilkinsons nursery.

Summer consists of dodging walnuts on the deck that fall from the massive tree shading it.
I miss the pool that used to sit at the only flat part of the yard, where as the swing set was on the mini slope of the hill.
Sarah and I would always jump off the swings and dodge the poolside.
Easter egg hunts where we would hide in the massive walnut tree to see where all the eggs were from an aerial view.
Christmas where you can see the tree light from the road on your way in.

Skateboarding. Jumping in leaves. Playing upstairs in the spair bedrooms. Throwing a frisbee on the roof and my uncle Brian getting stuck in the window in the hall to get it out.
Sitting in the upstairs bathroom with the door closed maintaining the smell of soaps and fresh towels with the heater vent open.
The old books in the thin hallway, with old pictures of family members.

It just feels so much like home already.

Well thanks.
You cant even recognize your own girlfriend walking down the hall.
That makes me feel fantastic.

Shes a rebel

Theres a giant thread on facebook where we just rip on stalls. All of us together. Scheming and planning.

It makes my day, all the time.

And thats the way it was.

Literally about a second away from walking out of journo today.
It was so frustrating. We tried being reasonable, and negotiating the current events quizzes that everyones failing. She wont budge. Peoples grades are going down. We dont know what or how to study.
Youd literally have to watch every news stations while reading the newspaper, even while you sleep.
Its ridiculous. I was so pissed, I wanted to walk out.
She said " Oh well just read online and watch the news." Not everyone has a thousand hours to watch depressing news all day catching every single detail! I take current issues and I still dont know where the hell she gets these questions.
Mr. Saveikis should talk and fight for the cause.

Rebel Yell

So almost all of my class just came together via facebook message and decided we all werent going to do Jounro homework that was insanely ridiculous.

It kind of made me proud.

Do you remember?

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing

Haunting yourself as the real thing

It’s getting away from you again

While you’re chasin’ ghosts

Where do we go from here? Turn all the lights down now. Smiling from ear to ear, our breathing has got to loud.

Right now I should be typing up my concert reviews for my graduation project. But I cant focus.

I think a little part of me decided a long time ago the longer I put off this stupid project it will delay the whole presentation, being done with high school process all together.

Ive always said I didn't have a problem with graduation...and I don't.
I just don't know where to go from here, ya know?

I never actually thought Id make it, I thought Id flunk out or something.

But now its time.

My SATs came back. Which was like a slap in the face from reality.

Their decently good. Did above average on everything except math, and in that I did average. So I'm good.

But now theres this stupid aid meeting for college and its really...just overwhelming.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but personally...I don't think Ill make it.
I don't have the patience to work in an office environment. Thatd end up like Office Space.

I cant work with math.

I cant teach.

Im not physically fit enough, or motivated enough to do something healthy.

Im not pretty enough to model.

Not religious enough to be anything in that field.

Not musically inclined enough to play an instrument or work the sound boards.

I could judge people, or go find talent...but lets be honest, im not the type of person who gets their opinions heard.

Whats left?
Theres nothing for me here.

People tell me to write...I dont see it.

Right now the journalism field is up shits creek without a paddle.

Thats stupendous for a fresh high school graduate looking to go to school for it.

I dont have a radio voice or a tv face.

Im just a normal middle class young fuck, looking to make it.

That was about a rant and a half.

So Ill try to end on a high note:

"It's like you have to sift through the darkness to find your place and be that individual you want to be your entire life."

-Billie Joe.

One Year.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

-St. Augustine

"Be with me always. Take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in this dark alone where I cannot find you."

-Wuthering Heights