Damned if I don't.

Feelings choke me
Don't let me leave without a word
Never give in
I've been letting my mind win the war with my heart. You are timeless
I am a fool in love with time

Feelings scare you
You never look me in the eye
Don't ever change I just want you to know the complacencies always been staged
I was blinded until you opened up my eyes
I've always believed in you

I can try all I want
The feelings would taunt saying ‘loser we see through you.’ And forgive me love
These thoughts are not my own
They were put in my mind by aliens
To keep me home alone. And forgive me love
For wanting you. Blame it on those eyebrows arching over baby blues
Oh you. Oh you.....
And live for the moment but that takes too much pride.

I look into the past, I want to make it last. July 22nd 2009

I got to Mellon Arena at 11 : 30 a.m. Okay 7 hours til doors open.

I found myself against the barriers [front fuckin row] at the green day concert.
When that beautiful man shook his beautiful head of hair his sweat pelted me in the face...every time.
I planned and plotted where I wanted to stand at this show since I knew of it.
And you know fucking what, it happened!
Life didnt say 'fuck you', it gave me exactly what I wanted.
I could almost reach Billie Joe's hand.

They played my absolute favorite song on a whim, At the Library.
I knew the opening chords.

Two instances, I cried.
When I heard those stupendous chords and when I saw the band in front of me.
Oh. My. God.

During King For a Day/Shout he sat on the stage directly in front of me.
He broke up two fights over my head.
"Punching little girls in the face is not a sport. Now shake hands."

Nothing I could type in this blog could come close to the justice this show deserved.
This is one time a picture is not worth a thousand words.
Nothing beats the memory in my mind.
I know.
I will never fucking forget it.
Green Day & I.

Heres to the night.

Its my day.
Finally the day Ive been waiting for.
The day, I just dont think I will ever forget.
Ive been telling myself im ready for this day, and all other concerts were all leading up to this.
But now that its here...I just cant contain my happiness...

Its time for me to go see Green Day!

Nobody knows me at all.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

. . .

I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

Forget about your house of cards.

Sometimes, you can have a really shitty day.
Shitty night.
And want to just fuck up a symbolic form of life...

So last night I did.
Afterwards, I was freed up to have a blast with my best friends.

I love playing baseball in empty parking lots.
And having random dance parties interrupted by a heavy set man in a doorway.

I love shopping cart races.

But for a fleeting moment, I needed to fuck someone up, as much as I could.
The result later was two bruised knuckles.
Ill take that.
Because it made me feel okay again.

Basically I have the greatest friends in the world.

If you're listening
Whoa...

I just wanna live.

Last night, after the storm had calmed in my house, I drifted off to sleep.

[holding The Perks of Being a Wallflower may I add.]

And I dreamed. Like had a full on dream that could have been reality.
It terrified me and excited me at the same time.
When I woke up I could remember ever single tiny detail.
The dream?

It was of my future, both near and far away.
It made me realize a few things.

1. I cant wait to own my own apartment/ house/ shack...whatnot.
I think its an exciting concept to have something all your own.
Sure itll be hard as hell to keep up with. And bills will be a bitch.
But still the idea of coming home to an empty house all to myself in this moment makes me down right giddy.

2. In all honesty, graduation doesn't scare me...which in turn scares me.
It should in all rights keep me up at night.
I dont have a clue as to what I want to do afterwards, let alone I have no job to begin with, and No motivation to go to college.
But for some reason graduating just seems like no big deal.

and finally...

3. I dont want to stay here forever.
I know Seth, for some ungodly reason, cant fathom why anyone would want to leave the safe confines of Latrobe.
For God sakes...
Ive seen volcanoes erupting in front of my eyes.
Ive seen the sun come up from the tallest mountain in Hawaii.
Ive seen the moon hang over the ocean.
I have seen sunsets that set my soul [and camera] on fire.

I do not want to stay here. I don't care how far I get, but I want to experience things.
I want to live.
Thats all I want to do.

she dreams in red.

Talkin to herself, theres no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears hes gone

Thanks Pearl Jam.

Give me something to believe.

I read in a story once that when something important in your life ends, girls usually do
something drastic to change it up.
Well...I cut my hair off.
I hate it but im convincing myself to like it because its something new.
Step on in the list of goals: check.

I made two mix cds a little while back.

Theyll just continue to sit there in the corner of my closet.

I cant sleep lately.
And if by the graces of god that I happen to pass out, I usually wake up around 7 am in a cold sweat.
I think if it happens tonight im going to take a walk.
I honestly dont think itll help, but maybe I'll get somethings straight in my head.

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

Ive been waiting a lifetime for this moment to come.

My day is about to arrive.
A day I have waited for since I was a wee little tot.
Being able to see Green Day in concert.

Let me back it up for you.
Picture this, little 5 year old Ange, arrives at her older cousins house some random day 1997.
They put on the stereo.
What arrives from the speakers...is Nice Guys Finish Last.

Boom.

I become who I am today.
I didn't even know who the hell they were.

[ I called it the yellow Cd because of the yellow circles on the front. Sarah and Amanda by some miraculous chain of events knew who I was speaking of.]

I think about being able to see them in front of me. For real.
Not a picture, nor video.
There is no TV screen or DVD.
Just Billie Joe, Tre and Mike.
Full force.

I know as soon as the day comes...I'm not going to know what to do with myself.
Cry? to dramatic.
Scream? to loud & teeny bopper esq.

I can tell you one thing for sure.
When July 22nd roles around and I'm standing in line waiting to enter the Mellon arena
I will be the happiest person in the entire fucking world for the next 4 hours.
No. contest.

I've been waiting a long time for this moment to come
I'm destined for anything at all
Downtown lights will be shining
On me like a new diamond
Ring out under the midnight hour
No one can touch me now
And I can't turn my back
It's too late ready or not at all

Gave up all her hope and went back inside.

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this.