Love is a Mixtape.

Not that long ago one of my best friends gave me a book entitled Love is a Mix tape. I haven't exactly had an immense amount of time to read it, but Ive been picking it up off and on since its been passed to me.

Today I read two chapters.

In the book the main character, Rob [hes kind of introverted. lives his life through his headphones and kind of just sits back and watches the lives of others through his window.] falls in love with a girl name Renee.

I wish I could be her. She is this indie kinda girl but is a music lover. But she has this amazing mind I only have in my dreams.

Although I realize I am a Rob. Sitting back. Idle. Kind of alone.

In the book these quotes literally captivated me : "I could already tell there were things happening deep inside me that were irreversible. Is there any scarier word than irreversible? Its a hiss of a word full of side effects and mutilations. Severe tire damage - no backing up."

"I felt strange things going on inside me, and I knew the these weren't things I would recover from. These were changes that were shaping the way things were going to be, and I wouldn't find out until later. Irreversible. "

I know this feeling. The point of no return in a relationship. You can feel it morph you into something completely different than what you've known yourself to be.

Sometimes its good. Sometimes its heartbreaking. Sometimes its terrible.

But its always life changing.

I just thought it was an ironic and somewhat great time to read this chapter.

At this point in my life at least.

I love you's not enough, im lost for words.

Love.

People throw the word around so losely they dont even know what it means anymore.

After its said so many times, it loses any meaning. Any feeling.

You say it so much it doesnt even feel like a word anymore [I forget where I heard that from, but I felt something for it.]

Back to what I was saying.

I know people who have been saying that they were in love since the 6th grade.

Im not neccesarily saying that you cant be in love that young.
On the contrary I think young love is actually more common. Its more pure and true. Innocent love.

I just mean people confuse a real liking for someone as love.

Sometimes it doesnt take that long to figure out that you love someone but people doubt it because its happening to quickly.

I disagree with this as well. I think if you feel a strong connection with someone and you feel comfortable with them, and trust them whole heartedly then you can easily fall in love.

Being in love with someone brings many emotions.

When you love someone you have those over the moon, cant stop thinking about them, smile when you hear their voice in your head, dream of being with them kind of feeling...the kind of thing where even when your not with them you can smell them on you.

When you would do anything to make them happy, even if it meant you wouldnt get to be.

To sacrifice yourself, your heart and your trust to them and its all worth it.

Im getting off topic again. My apologies.

Youd never know what my point was. But, the point is the word love is overused and has been abused.

So I dont want to say it, no matter how much I feel it.

Love is just as much showing an action as it is saying the words.

And I dont want to say love. I want to show it.

I want to prove it.

My eyes fill with sand as I scan this wasted land.

Sometimes I wish I could fly.

I know if anything was "super" about me Id be invisible...

Back to the flying thing though.

Its an intriguing thought.

Or maybe time travel.

Thatd be a neat trick.

BAM! I'm in California in 1990.

or go to 1977 in New York for Punk explosion.

oh man.

I do wish I could write something profound and earth shattering to go along with this picture.

But alas I am speechless in this moment.

Not speechless.

Content in where I am in life and whats going on in my life.

I just want it to stay perfect like this.

Id be exceptionally pleased if it would.

I'm just sayin.

Everybodys coming to get me.

Ok. Here it is.

The truth. Well the truth is I don't know what the truth is anymore. Ive become so paranoid and stuck in my own world Ive forgotten what it looks like out here. Im secluded. Solitaire. I lack trust in people. In my life [cue The Beatles oh so perfect harmony] I trust all of 5 people.

Do you know how pathetic that is?

Its sad. I wish I was still four years old.

I was confident. I knew what I wanted and was certain in what I was doing.

Now...its like all I'm doing is second guessing myself and everyone around me. Ive become something I never wanted to be, but was forced into.

The unconfident little paranoid nag of a girl who people communicate with just so she doesn't take it one step to far and go off the deep end. And lets be honest here...nobody wants that on their hands.

If it was up to me, Id let every single person I come into contact with know how I feel about them. Id tell the ones I love why I love them...instead of holding it inside and seeming apathetic about the relationship, or lack of one, we share. And the people I hated I wish cut off and make myself a better person for it. But see that's the problem with me. I don't. Theres something inside of me that holds onto the people who kick me down. I always have.

I think I'm partially insane. Perhaps I should get that checked out.

One thing is an always constant factor in my life.

Lying.

lie: noun;a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

uses may include but is not limited to: protecting yourself or someones feelings, to get out of trouble, to mislead someone.

the lie...personally, scares the living hell out of me.

I have a pretty good sense of when I'm being lied to.

But everyone is wrong once and a while.

It terrifies me to no end.

Some people are really fantastic liars.

And as much as I hate being lied to, and it scares me to death when I cant tell if someones lying through their teeth...I am a fantastic liar when I need to be.

I know this [ because Tyler knows this]

I lie as little as I possible can because I fear I'll be lied to in return.