A person can only be alone for so long.
As of lately, it feels like Ive been in solitary confinement for ages.

Oh baby, baby its fuck time

Can it be April 20th now?
I want to be sitting on the train going to New York. I want to be so anxious I cant sit still. I want to imagine getting another picture with Billie. I want to step out into the familiar city street and catch a cab. I want my heart rate to skyrocket when I sit in those plush red seats as the announcers voice comes over the speaker. I want to hear those chords Ive been hearing since September 2004.
I want to see Billie, and all this bullshit and counting down the days is driving me crazy.

Im really glad I get to see the show on the 20th and 21st. Its kind of my farwell. Last year all I wanted for my birthday was to see American Idiot not expecting that in one year I would be going back to see it in some of its final performances. This will be my second time spending the weekend before my birthday with Billie, and for once I got to be in the same state let alone the same room with him on his. Its been unreal...this past year. Full of Green Day and meeting Billie Joe. Im going to miss it. Without this show most of these things wouldnt have ever happened. And Im so glad I got to experience it. I never would have met Billie if it werent for this show.

A girl on tumblr was talking about how when she met Billie in February backstage that she asked about the tubbies and when theyd paly again. She said that he mentioned something but she didnt want to spread a rumor if it ended up not happening. I am praying that its while Im there...because that would be the icing on my fantasy year cake.

Androgynous

I LOVE THE REPLACEMENTS SO FUCKING MUCH! MY GOD!
Yeah...that needed to be in all caps. Shit just got real.

Just gonna leave this here.

This is my secret.

Ive accepted the fact that my junior year of high school I became anorexic. I only weighed 83 pounds and induced vomitting after meals, before and after waking up. If I told you I didnt Im sorry I lied. Id skip school some days because I broke to many blood vessels in my face and it was to obvious.
I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 101. Its the most Ive ever weighed and Im not okay with it. I havent eaten today and I can feel myself relapsing back into that state of mind.
People tell me Im skinny and to shut up about my weight. They are the same people who make me nervous about gaining it.

I feel comfortable posting this here because its not like anyone actually reads this and because the ones who do wont judge me for it. I dont need help, and Im not asking for it. I just needed to let out my fear.

Fandom

Theres something about being a die hard fan. It doesnt matter if its to sports, a band, an art form, or whatever. If youre a serious fan of something you have this passion. You can love in the best and worst conditions.
And I dont just mean if your a bandwagon fan, like when their up your all for it but if their down you run the opposite direction.
I am in a couple fandoms. The Pittsburgh Steelers, and Green Day being the most important.
Truth be told if given the choice between the two Id probably choose Green Day but only by a fraction and would end up killing myself without the Steelers. I was a Steeler fan in the Maddox years, and I was a Green Day fan in the "who that 90s band?" years.
Thick and thin. I have black and gold in my veins and Green Day lyrics in my heart, and nothing that could possibly happen will ever change that.
Bandwagon fans drive me up a wall. Especially when one minute their celebrating the superbowl with you and when next season strikes and drama ensues they bail and start talking shit.
When people say, things like Big Ben is an asshole and should have been cut or Hines Ward is my favorite hes so hot, I know your not a real fan and probably know close to nothing about football. If you wear a pink, animal print, or bedazzled girl jersey I know you are not a true Steeler fan.
When people say they like Green Days old stuff better because now they are sellouts, I know you are not a real Green day fan. Or if you say Good Riddance is you and your significant others 'song' you are absolutely, not a Green Day fan. Also if you spell Billies name any of the following ways: Billy Joe, Billie Jo, Billy Jo, or William Joseph you should realize you are not a real Green Day fan.
Theres unspoken rules to a fandom. A Steeler fan under no circumstances must congratulate Patriots, Ravens, Browns,Bengals, or Cowboys fan. You can respect them for being a fan, but you do not abandon the boys. I was personally hurt as a fan when they released Jeff Reed so quickly after all hed done for us, but now we have Suisham. I will love Suisham. Its in the rules.
Tradition, rituals, today I will wear the same jersey, pants socks and underwear I did last Sunday. I will sit in the same spot on the couch with the same blanket. I will eat pizza and breadsticks for dinner. Why? Because we won. And its the playoffs.I fully believe in me doing these things we will win again this week.
There is no feeling in the world quite like finding your fandom family.
When I go to Heinz field and see men with painted black and yellow faces, little kids taking a photo on Chuck Knolls brass knee in front or when we fans need a kick the jumbo tron goes black and Renegade begins to play with images of the sweetest fucking plays of Steeler history...there is only one other thing in the world that makes me feel this way. Where my hands get clamy and my heart rate goes up, I get a little light headed and this overwhelming sense of euphoria and pure love comes over me.
A Green Day atmosphere.
I met my Green Day family in Buffalo. Sitting in a pavilion ordering pizza and making signs for the show as we swaped stories on our experiences, and lives with the boys. I felt so complete, like Id finally gone to a place I was understood. In any type of Green Day atmosphere theres this electricity that runs over my body, but I can feel it with every single person Im with. Its not a singular thing, its a group thing, that the strangers youre with are your family...thats how I feel at least, there are a few who are backstabbing attention whores. But thats in every fandom I suppose.
Either way, I think theres just something special about being a fan that sets you apart from normalcy but puts you where you belong, with your fellow diehards. Its not something you just walk away from if your a true fan, its a stronger hold than that.
And its already well known but Im stating it here for future reference, no one in any way shape or form will ever take the Steeler or Green Day fan out of me.Under no circumstances. If I had to chose between my fandom or true love, Id say I didnt need the love. Because I have true devotion and dedication to my team and heros. Ben Roethlisberger is my QB, and Ill fuckin stand behind him all the way.
Id like to thank Fever Pitch for egging on this rant...Im done torturing you guys now.

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

Ive been reading two books simultaneously.

1. Love is a Mixtape
2.Nobody Likes You

Both of these books are dear to my heart. Both are true "biographical" types. I absolutely adore Nobody Likes You. It was where I got my first real hard facts about Green Day. Its crazy in depth and I read it at least twice a year. Love is a Mixtape is quite possibly my favorite book ever. Its so relevant to me and music being a center point of my life. But tonight while waiting to wash out my hair dye I looked a little deeper into some stuff.
They both have stories, Love is a mixtape is much more of a central point whereas Nobody likes you is more of a leading to the main idea. This love life.

Rob had a pathetic love life more or less until he met Renee. He loved her so deeply and they met over a Big Star song (which is so fucking adorable to me I could melt). They went to underground indie shows. She made her own clothes and shopped at bargain stores. They took spontaneous roadtrips and other sappy romantic things I dream about.

Billie had a rocky relationship with Erica for a while. He met Adie on tour, while she had a boyfriend. They would call each other and write letters. Then he met Amanda and she broke his little billie heart. He made a stop in Minnesota next tour just to see Adrienne again. After fucking 4 years she finally dumped the loser and married Billie. Regardless. He was 18 when he met the girl of his dreams, married her at 22 and he stayed with her. Its amazing.

So. What I figured out was its impossible for me to just settle for anyone. I need someone who knows what its like to obsess over a band like I do Green Day and can respect me for it. Someone who will look up when a Replacements song comes on. Or doesnt mind when I get hairdye on the bathroom mirror. I need to find someone to be with that knows what it means to be in love. Love music. And have these perfect flaws.
Good luck right?
Fuck I need to stop reading these two books. Giving me such high hopes. And this is why I set myself up to fall. Because then I think of Christian, and how he was that person. I guess Ill just have to keep trying.

Fuck. I wish I was like Renee or Adrienne. Or maybe im like Billie and Rob in this situation. Find these people that are similar to me but leave me broken hearted then fall head over heals with someone I never thought would look my way. Heres to wishful thinking.

27th Ave. Shuffle

Sometimes life makes me so damn happy I forget to put on pants.


Let me explain. I was sitting in CPT about to sign out of facebook and high tail it home when something caught my eye. "Stay glued to this page IDIOTs. Big news!"

I bounced in my seat insisting to Ginny that he was coming back. She denied it. I drove home at light speed and waited. Then it happened. Like I knew it would. St. Billie is back for 50 shows! So of course Im a genius. Yesterday Blaine and I were sitting in the kitchen with my mom talking. She said "You know she has little parties on Billies birthday right? She invited me last year." So I yelled as Blaine laughed that she wasnt invited this year.
Guess when Im seeing Billie in American Idiot?
February 17th. His 39th Fucking birthday.

I was so giddy with joy after buying my tickets in the center mezzazine third fuckin row, that I forgot I was changing and getting ready to go get my haircut. I actually walked to the kitchen without pants on.
SO WORTH THE EMBARRASMENT! Ya know why? Cause Im going to be with Billie on his birthday! Eat it fuckers! Yeah.
I would love to go to a show in January to, but Im content in staying home and looking at all the lovely photos and updates from people. Plus Im positive my dad wouldnt let me go in April, October, December, and now February. He would literally pull out a gun and shoot me in the face.

p.s. Dunkin Donuts, you will allow me at least two days off. Or I will straight up quit on your ass.

Pills that make me sit still.

Are you feeling fine?

All I want to do is I want to breathe, batteries not included

You ask what I want to do with my life? How I want to make a living?
I want to fucking live. I want to be able to look back on my days here and marvel at the places Ive been, people Ive met, and things Ive done. Ive been successful so far but all I want to do is live until I run out of breath.

Tell me how ugly I am, but that youll always love me.

“Nobody chooses to be a freak. Most people don’t realize they’re a freak until it’s way to late to change it. No matter how much of a freak you end up being, chances are there’s still someone out there for you. Unless of course, they’ve already moved on. Because when it comes to love, even freaks can’t wait forever.”
-Greys Anatomy

If my memory serves me right.

I cry every time I listen to this song. The whole way through. I'll always feel like Whatsername I guess. I don't know if people understand why, but the feeling of being totally forgotten and just being that girl. The girl in stories they tell someday to there kids like, " Oh I was dating this girl, oh honey whatsername? You remember?" Just being a face with no name. Forgotten and pushed to the back of a once treasured memory.

Of course I wish I had the power to do this. How badly I wish I could just forget. Forgetting all the pain, all the happiness and smiles. Id give it all up if I could just go back to life without a constant cloud. But as always the man has a point that I can not deny:

"You've got to think about your past, you cant just abandon it. A lot of people say, 'Live int the moment live in the moment, just go forward.' But you need to take some lumps and bruises along the way. When Gallagher sings the line "I remember the face but I cant recall the name" That moment kills me every single time, because hes saying, 'Youre a fool, but you've gained something, your smarter because of the process'."
-Billie Joe Armstrong

Don't want a nation under the new media.

Contrary to popular belief there really is no such thing as "freedom of press" or really freedom of speech.

I mean the government has their hands in everything, wrapping red tape around every topic. And even if you do know something worth while someone will come along and slap a gag order on you so fast your head would spin so the information wouldnt get out. For fucks sake its such a liability. But, freedom of the press are just words anymore, it only goes so far.
Jon Stewart had the president on his show. And believe me I think Jon is one of the most brilliantly funny guys in the world, and he knows his shit. Hes damn smart. I know for a fact those questions to Obama werent on the fly, he had to submit them so the president would know how to answer them. Granted Obama did a hell of a lot fuckin better then Bush would have, but still. You need to see them first? What dont you know what your plans are for this country? What you stand for and what your hope is for this country? Answer the damn questions from your heart and with your fuckin head. You dont need some speech writing fuck to come up with the answers for you to memorize. Christ.
Now the Green Day fans are divided. Billie said a couple of stupid things during this rant on stage, although there were a couple really great inspiring points in it as well. But point is he said he couldnt wait until Steve Jobs died...okay so he went a little far. But for FUCKS SAKE GET THE FUCK OVER IT!? All those dumb fans posting blogs and forming facebook groups about how he was insane and needed to apologize and how they dont know how to feel about him at the moment? FUCK OFF. You act like its a fuckin surprise ya know! Its Billie Joe hes going to say whatever comes to mind, he kind of lacks filter. As fans we should all know this by now. So shut the fuck up about it and leave it alone. I didnt see any of you complaining when he was in a fit of rage tearing his shirt off? This is just an angry rant, probably because hes sick of people filming his concerts and just went off. But seriously if you were any kind of Green Day fan at all you wouldnt be surprised, youd just say "Oh Billies on a rant again" and shut the fuck up about it. Seriously. I dont agree with him about the death part but im not going to make a big deal about it. Besides, he was right about all the technology. And you can be on facebook/twitter or whatever and believe there should be more to peoples lives than technology and television and game systems. I love my laptop but I dont live behind it and I dont let it desensitize me from reality. That stupid group on facebook "We want a public apology from Billie Joe" should be shut down. Its bullshit and their all whiny little babies. Fuck them. He is still my god damn hero, but you cant have people so high up on a pedestal that they arent allowed to say something a little more extreme. Leave the man the fuck alone, and let it go.

Something in the way.

Today after work I drove to Buffenmeyer road. In the bare spot (our spot) by the train tracks, under the bridge I turned on Whatsername. I thought about what words I would leave him if I decided to ever do this. I came up with this:
"Isnt it ironic that the place you broke my heart, I hope you never forget. I hope you regret letting those words come out of your mouth at that time and I hope you realize what you did to me when you said it."

I cant take all the ghosts in this town. Ya know, the ones only you see but dont talk about because its to painful of a memory. Fuck memories. Fuck pictures, they all just turn into painful reminders of the past and what used to be. Fuck you.

"What the fuck was I to you?!"
"A friend, someone I loved. And a fucking memory."
"Ya know what? I dont love  you. You dont even get to be a memory."

-Jesus of Suburbia video

Closer, closer.

“It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what

things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old

memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite

every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change

is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or

it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our

grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can

have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again”

Roshambo.

I think Ive more to less become afraid of love at this point.

People who I used to think were decent thats cheated on their spouses/significant others:

-Brett Favre: Sent dirty(nasty disgusting revolting) pictures of himself to some NFL girl.
-David Arquette/Courtney Cox: allowed each other extramarital affairs outside the marriage, now their separating
-John Travolta: lost a son, wifes pregnant, been married almost as long as Ive been alive. Cheated.
-Morgan fuckin Freeman: cheated
-Brad Pitt: really Jennifer Aniston isnt good enough?
-Hugh Grant: had Elizabeth Hurley for christ sake! and cheated with a prostitute
-Josh Duhmal: cheated on Fergie with a stripper
-Ashton Kutcher: wtf.
-Matthew Fox: super Jack.

Whose next? Patrick Dempsey? Michael J Fox perhaps!?
Whatever. I just pray Billie Joe is still decent cus if it came out he had cheated on 80 my heart would break.

I don't believe in valentines

I don't believe I asked your opinion

I don't believe I stretched the truth

I am not looking for a bargain

All I really believe in is you

I don't believe in promises

 

I walked for miles til I found you.

(Get ready for some finnnne pictures hah)

So friday I rode the train out to Philly. It wasnt difficult at all. I sat next to many different interesting people. I got to Cates class and we had fun while she showed me all over Philly. We talked like we always talk about everything and everybody, every last thought that pops into our heads. We barely got 3 hours of sleep before we had to get up and take the 1 hour and 30 minute train to New York. In that time we listened to an adio of Green Day live from Lolla, where we proceeded to get Billies version of Chicago stuck in our heads. It was rather annoying that we would walk down the street singing 'chicago, chicago its my kind of town' while we were in NYC.

So saturday we checked into the hotel, and dropped our shit. Then we went shopping for a few hours. After shopping we went to lunch at promptly 2 p.m. I was slightly upset I hadnt run into Billie, but figured seeing him tonight would be enough. So after lunch we stopped by the St. James to get our tickets only to realize the show had just been let out. We joined the mob and pushed our way to the front, and I continiued to take photos of Billies face as he signed autographs.

We went back to the hotel around 4 and cleaned up, showered off the train scum and got ready for the show. In doing so I DJd some live Green Day rips I had to get pumped. (as if I wasnt enough already). We decided to walk around and since Cate had surprisingly never been to the M&Ms store or Coloney Records we made a quick stop there. At 7 30 we walked to the St. James and found our seats after buying a program. We sat next to this awesome theater buff named Leeann and talked until the lights went down.

Billie joe was a fuckin mazing in the show. He was hilarious and scary. But still Beej. Broadway suits him well, and allows him to flex his range in a way he cant during a Green Day show. I cried during Whatsername and melted into a pile of goop when he was pulling his shirt off. I love the glitter he threw everytime he made an entrance. And I figured out the new tattoo on his bicep is of him as a boxer. (In a tweet he said "i wanna get a tat of myself only taller" ha ha Billie. Your short <3)

Anyway, the plan was to book it down to the exit and get front row for autographs. Cate and I took the steps three at a time to get downstaris and in hindsight I sprained my ankle turning to quickly. We split up. I sweet talked and was down on being short, and made friends with my fellow GD fans. I pitied my way to the barrier triumphantly. In the ceilings mirror I saw a fight break out. It was Cate. I love her. Billie walked out steps behind Adrienne and after many pleas from my side, he approached us. I felt pressure on my left side as I was snapping pictures with my right but didnt want to get my hopes up that Id gotten his signature. I was standing on my leather jacket and my purse was wide open, but as I brought my program back into view I cried a little. I wormed my way out of the crowd and found cate.

"Howd it go!?!" I paused. "I GOT HIS FUCKING AUTOGRAPH!" Cate screamed and I dove onto her for a hug where my knees proceeded to give out. We were both shaking so badly looking at the scribble in both of our hands that we sat down in the middle of the dirty New York sidewalk.
This weekend is tied for the best night of my life. Period.

Its comedy & tragedy.

Time to wake up.

After I come home from NYC Im going to be so stressed. I have to get a job, and call the Bulletin about my article, then I have to write the damn thing. I kind of like the stress though. It gives me something to focus on.

So hot teacher man is actually a dick in disguise. My interview with Robbie was late an hour late. So I emailed him at 9 to let him know Id be late, and came to class an hour into it. He was a bitch about it even though I forwarned him. Im starting to really not like him. Hes basically the opposite of Ross. He hovers and looms over us while we work, where she hardly even looked up from her laptop. Its really irritating.

Seriously this couldnt have been planned more perfectly. September more to less sucked, so as a slightly corny Green Day fan I had "Wake me up when September Ends" posted on the outside of my bedroom door. Then, I grovel my way to American Idiot on October 2nd with the help of Cate. Coincidence? I think not. Ya know what, im just lame.

Ginny and I were talking between class today and complaining about how freezing we were.
Me: "Im cold, but I dont want to be that guy, the one who wears a leather jacket around a community college campus, ya know?"
Ginny: "But youd look like George Michael!"

I definately think taking Cate to American Idiot was the right choice. Like, alot of people would be all excited about Billie. Which I so so am, as well as Cate is. But shell apreciate the show as a whole also. Im really anxious to see what shell think of it. OH, by the way. Toniann was walking out of a pizza parlour while looking at her phone, and literally RUNS INTO Billie. Why cant I have her luck!?!

I dont have any money to get a tattoo anymore...its kind of upseting, but I guess Ill just have to wait a little longer.
But yeah. Okay, so things can be okay.

Homecoming: The Death of St. Jimmy

Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.Billie Joe shirtless.


On Saturday Im gonna see both new tattoos...when Billie Joe is shirtless
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luwLP-dtp9M

Its St. Jimmy, and thats my name! And dont wear it out!

Train tickets to New York City- $145
Two balcony tickets to American Idiot- $114
One night at the Westin - 12,000 American Express points
Getting to see Billie Joe Armstrong as St. Jimmy - FUCKIN PRICELESS!

Dear Green Day,
Please stop doing amazing things I need to witness. Im flat busted!