A person can only be alone for so long.
As of lately, it feels like Ive been in solitary confinement for ages.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Oh baby, baby its fuck time
Can it be April 20th now?
I want to be sitting on the train going to New York. I want to be so anxious I cant sit still. I want to imagine getting another picture with Billie. I want to step out into the familiar city street and catch a cab. I want my heart rate to skyrocket when I sit in those plush red seats as the announcers voice comes over the speaker. I want to hear those chords Ive been hearing since September 2004.
I want to see Billie, and all this bullshit and counting down the days is driving me crazy.
Im really glad I get to see the show on the 20th and 21st. Its kind of my farwell. Last year all I wanted for my birthday was to see American Idiot not expecting that in one year I would be going back to see it in some of its final performances. This will be my second time spending the weekend before my birthday with Billie, and for once I got to be in the same state let alone the same room with him on his. Its been unreal...this past year. Full of Green Day and meeting Billie Joe. Im going to miss it. Without this show most of these things wouldnt have ever happened. And Im so glad I got to experience it. I never would have met Billie if it werent for this show.
A girl on tumblr was talking about how when she met Billie in February backstage that she asked about the tubbies and when theyd paly again. She said that he mentioned something but she didnt want to spread a rumor if it ended up not happening. I am praying that its while Im there...because that would be the icing on my fantasy year cake.
I want to be sitting on the train going to New York. I want to be so anxious I cant sit still. I want to imagine getting another picture with Billie. I want to step out into the familiar city street and catch a cab. I want my heart rate to skyrocket when I sit in those plush red seats as the announcers voice comes over the speaker. I want to hear those chords Ive been hearing since September 2004.
I want to see Billie, and all this bullshit and counting down the days is driving me crazy.
Im really glad I get to see the show on the 20th and 21st. Its kind of my farwell. Last year all I wanted for my birthday was to see American Idiot not expecting that in one year I would be going back to see it in some of its final performances. This will be my second time spending the weekend before my birthday with Billie, and for once I got to be in the same state let alone the same room with him on his. Its been unreal...this past year. Full of Green Day and meeting Billie Joe. Im going to miss it. Without this show most of these things wouldnt have ever happened. And Im so glad I got to experience it. I never would have met Billie if it werent for this show.
A girl on tumblr was talking about how when she met Billie in February backstage that she asked about the tubbies and when theyd paly again. She said that he mentioned something but she didnt want to spread a rumor if it ended up not happening. I am praying that its while Im there...because that would be the icing on my fantasy year cake.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Androgynous
I LOVE THE REPLACEMENTS SO FUCKING MUCH! MY GOD!
Yeah...that needed to be in all caps. Shit just got real.
Yeah...that needed to be in all caps. Shit just got real.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
This is my secret.
Ive accepted the fact that my junior year of high school I became anorexic. I only weighed 83 pounds and induced vomitting after meals, before and after waking up. If I told you I didnt Im sorry I lied. Id skip school some days because I broke to many blood vessels in my face and it was to obvious.
I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 101. Its the most Ive ever weighed and Im not okay with it. I havent eaten today and I can feel myself relapsing back into that state of mind.
People tell me Im skinny and to shut up about my weight. They are the same people who make me nervous about gaining it.
I feel comfortable posting this here because its not like anyone actually reads this and because the ones who do wont judge me for it. I dont need help, and Im not asking for it. I just needed to let out my fear.
I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 101. Its the most Ive ever weighed and Im not okay with it. I havent eaten today and I can feel myself relapsing back into that state of mind.
People tell me Im skinny and to shut up about my weight. They are the same people who make me nervous about gaining it.
I feel comfortable posting this here because its not like anyone actually reads this and because the ones who do wont judge me for it. I dont need help, and Im not asking for it. I just needed to let out my fear.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Fandom
Theres something about being a die hard fan. It doesnt matter if its to sports, a band, an art form, or whatever. If youre a serious fan of something you have this passion. You can love in the best and worst conditions.
And I dont just mean if your a bandwagon fan, like when their up your all for it but if their down you run the opposite direction.
I am in a couple fandoms. The Pittsburgh Steelers, and Green Day being the most important.
Truth be told if given the choice between the two Id probably choose Green Day but only by a fraction and would end up killing myself without the Steelers. I was a Steeler fan in the Maddox years, and I was a Green Day fan in the "who that 90s band?" years.
Thick and thin. I have black and gold in my veins and Green Day lyrics in my heart, and nothing that could possibly happen will ever change that.
Bandwagon fans drive me up a wall. Especially when one minute their celebrating the superbowl with you and when next season strikes and drama ensues they bail and start talking shit.
When people say, things like Big Ben is an asshole and should have been cut or Hines Ward is my favorite hes so hot, I know your not a real fan and probably know close to nothing about football. If you wear a pink, animal print, or bedazzled girl jersey I know you are not a true Steeler fan.
When people say they like Green Days old stuff better because now they are sellouts, I know you are not a real Green day fan. Or if you say Good Riddance is you and your significant others 'song' you are absolutely, not a Green Day fan. Also if you spell Billies name any of the following ways: Billy Joe, Billie Jo, Billy Jo, or William Joseph you should realize you are not a real Green Day fan.
Theres unspoken rules to a fandom. A Steeler fan under no circumstances must congratulate Patriots, Ravens, Browns,Bengals, or Cowboys fan. You can respect them for being a fan, but you do not abandon the boys. I was personally hurt as a fan when they released Jeff Reed so quickly after all hed done for us, but now we have Suisham. I will love Suisham. Its in the rules.
Tradition, rituals, today I will wear the same jersey, pants socks and underwear I did last Sunday. I will sit in the same spot on the couch with the same blanket. I will eat pizza and breadsticks for dinner. Why? Because we won. And its the playoffs.I fully believe in me doing these things we will win again this week.
There is no feeling in the world quite like finding your fandom family.
When I go to Heinz field and see men with painted black and yellow faces, little kids taking a photo on Chuck Knolls brass knee in front or when we fans need a kick the jumbo tron goes black and Renegade begins to play with images of the sweetest fucking plays of Steeler history...there is only one other thing in the world that makes me feel this way. Where my hands get clamy and my heart rate goes up, I get a little light headed and this overwhelming sense of euphoria and pure love comes over me.
A Green Day atmosphere.
I met my Green Day family in Buffalo. Sitting in a pavilion ordering pizza and making signs for the show as we swaped stories on our experiences, and lives with the boys. I felt so complete, like Id finally gone to a place I was understood. In any type of Green Day atmosphere theres this electricity that runs over my body, but I can feel it with every single person Im with. Its not a singular thing, its a group thing, that the strangers youre with are your family...thats how I feel at least, there are a few who are backstabbing attention whores. But thats in every fandom I suppose.
Either way, I think theres just something special about being a fan that sets you apart from normalcy but puts you where you belong, with your fellow diehards. Its not something you just walk away from if your a true fan, its a stronger hold than that.
And its already well known but Im stating it here for future reference, no one in any way shape or form will ever take the Steeler or Green Day fan out of me.Under no circumstances. If I had to chose between my fandom or true love, Id say I didnt need the love. Because I have true devotion and dedication to my team and heros. Ben Roethlisberger is my QB, and Ill fuckin stand behind him all the way.
Id like to thank Fever Pitch for egging on this rant...Im done torturing you guys now.
And I dont just mean if your a bandwagon fan, like when their up your all for it but if their down you run the opposite direction.
I am in a couple fandoms. The Pittsburgh Steelers, and Green Day being the most important.
Truth be told if given the choice between the two Id probably choose Green Day but only by a fraction and would end up killing myself without the Steelers. I was a Steeler fan in the Maddox years, and I was a Green Day fan in the "who that 90s band?" years.
Thick and thin. I have black and gold in my veins and Green Day lyrics in my heart, and nothing that could possibly happen will ever change that.
Bandwagon fans drive me up a wall. Especially when one minute their celebrating the superbowl with you and when next season strikes and drama ensues they bail and start talking shit.
When people say, things like Big Ben is an asshole and should have been cut or Hines Ward is my favorite hes so hot, I know your not a real fan and probably know close to nothing about football. If you wear a pink, animal print, or bedazzled girl jersey I know you are not a true Steeler fan.
When people say they like Green Days old stuff better because now they are sellouts, I know you are not a real Green day fan. Or if you say Good Riddance is you and your significant others 'song' you are absolutely, not a Green Day fan. Also if you spell Billies name any of the following ways: Billy Joe, Billie Jo, Billy Jo, or William Joseph you should realize you are not a real Green Day fan.
Theres unspoken rules to a fandom. A Steeler fan under no circumstances must congratulate Patriots, Ravens, Browns,Bengals, or Cowboys fan. You can respect them for being a fan, but you do not abandon the boys. I was personally hurt as a fan when they released Jeff Reed so quickly after all hed done for us, but now we have Suisham. I will love Suisham. Its in the rules.
Tradition, rituals, today I will wear the same jersey, pants socks and underwear I did last Sunday. I will sit in the same spot on the couch with the same blanket. I will eat pizza and breadsticks for dinner. Why? Because we won. And its the playoffs.I fully believe in me doing these things we will win again this week.
There is no feeling in the world quite like finding your fandom family.
When I go to Heinz field and see men with painted black and yellow faces, little kids taking a photo on Chuck Knolls brass knee in front or when we fans need a kick the jumbo tron goes black and Renegade begins to play with images of the sweetest fucking plays of Steeler history...there is only one other thing in the world that makes me feel this way. Where my hands get clamy and my heart rate goes up, I get a little light headed and this overwhelming sense of euphoria and pure love comes over me.
A Green Day atmosphere.
I met my Green Day family in Buffalo. Sitting in a pavilion ordering pizza and making signs for the show as we swaped stories on our experiences, and lives with the boys. I felt so complete, like Id finally gone to a place I was understood. In any type of Green Day atmosphere theres this electricity that runs over my body, but I can feel it with every single person Im with. Its not a singular thing, its a group thing, that the strangers youre with are your family...thats how I feel at least, there are a few who are backstabbing attention whores. But thats in every fandom I suppose.
Either way, I think theres just something special about being a fan that sets you apart from normalcy but puts you where you belong, with your fellow diehards. Its not something you just walk away from if your a true fan, its a stronger hold than that.
And its already well known but Im stating it here for future reference, no one in any way shape or form will ever take the Steeler or Green Day fan out of me.Under no circumstances. If I had to chose between my fandom or true love, Id say I didnt need the love. Because I have true devotion and dedication to my team and heros. Ben Roethlisberger is my QB, and Ill fuckin stand behind him all the way.
Id like to thank Fever Pitch for egging on this rant...Im done torturing you guys now.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
Ive been reading two books simultaneously.
1. Love is a Mixtape
2.Nobody Likes You
Both of these books are dear to my heart. Both are true "biographical" types. I absolutely adore Nobody Likes You. It was where I got my first real hard facts about Green Day. Its crazy in depth and I read it at least twice a year. Love is a Mixtape is quite possibly my favorite book ever. Its so relevant to me and music being a center point of my life. But tonight while waiting to wash out my hair dye I looked a little deeper into some stuff.
They both have stories, Love is a mixtape is much more of a central point whereas Nobody likes you is more of a leading to the main idea. This love life.
Rob had a pathetic love life more or less until he met Renee. He loved her so deeply and they met over a Big Star song (which is so fucking adorable to me I could melt). They went to underground indie shows. She made her own clothes and shopped at bargain stores. They took spontaneous roadtrips and other sappy romantic things I dream about.
Billie had a rocky relationship with Erica for a while. He met Adie on tour, while she had a boyfriend. They would call each other and write letters. Then he met Amanda and she broke his little billie heart. He made a stop in Minnesota next tour just to see Adrienne again. After fucking 4 years she finally dumped the loser and married Billie. Regardless. He was 18 when he met the girl of his dreams, married her at 22 and he stayed with her. Its amazing.
So. What I figured out was its impossible for me to just settle for anyone. I need someone who knows what its like to obsess over a band like I do Green Day and can respect me for it. Someone who will look up when a Replacements song comes on. Or doesnt mind when I get hairdye on the bathroom mirror. I need to find someone to be with that knows what it means to be in love. Love music. And have these perfect flaws.
Good luck right?
Fuck I need to stop reading these two books. Giving me such high hopes. And this is why I set myself up to fall. Because then I think of Christian, and how he was that person. I guess Ill just have to keep trying.
Fuck. I wish I was like Renee or Adrienne. Or maybe im like Billie and Rob in this situation. Find these people that are similar to me but leave me broken hearted then fall head over heals with someone I never thought would look my way. Heres to wishful thinking.
1. Love is a Mixtape
2.Nobody Likes You
Both of these books are dear to my heart. Both are true "biographical" types. I absolutely adore Nobody Likes You. It was where I got my first real hard facts about Green Day. Its crazy in depth and I read it at least twice a year. Love is a Mixtape is quite possibly my favorite book ever. Its so relevant to me and music being a center point of my life. But tonight while waiting to wash out my hair dye I looked a little deeper into some stuff.
They both have stories, Love is a mixtape is much more of a central point whereas Nobody likes you is more of a leading to the main idea. This love life.
Rob had a pathetic love life more or less until he met Renee. He loved her so deeply and they met over a Big Star song (which is so fucking adorable to me I could melt). They went to underground indie shows. She made her own clothes and shopped at bargain stores. They took spontaneous roadtrips and other sappy romantic things I dream about.
Billie had a rocky relationship with Erica for a while. He met Adie on tour, while she had a boyfriend. They would call each other and write letters. Then he met Amanda and she broke his little billie heart. He made a stop in Minnesota next tour just to see Adrienne again. After fucking 4 years she finally dumped the loser and married Billie. Regardless. He was 18 when he met the girl of his dreams, married her at 22 and he stayed with her. Its amazing.
So. What I figured out was its impossible for me to just settle for anyone. I need someone who knows what its like to obsess over a band like I do Green Day and can respect me for it. Someone who will look up when a Replacements song comes on. Or doesnt mind when I get hairdye on the bathroom mirror. I need to find someone to be with that knows what it means to be in love. Love music. And have these perfect flaws.
Good luck right?
Fuck I need to stop reading these two books. Giving me such high hopes. And this is why I set myself up to fall. Because then I think of Christian, and how he was that person. I guess Ill just have to keep trying.
Fuck. I wish I was like Renee or Adrienne. Or maybe im like Billie and Rob in this situation. Find these people that are similar to me but leave me broken hearted then fall head over heals with someone I never thought would look my way. Heres to wishful thinking.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
27th Ave. Shuffle
Sometimes life makes me so damn happy I forget to put on pants.
Let me explain. I was sitting in CPT about to sign out of facebook and high tail it home when something caught my eye. "Stay glued to this page IDIOTs. Big news!"
I bounced in my seat insisting to Ginny that he was coming back. She denied it. I drove home at light speed and waited. Then it happened. Like I knew it would. St. Billie is back for 50 shows! So of course Im a genius. Yesterday Blaine and I were sitting in the kitchen with my mom talking. She said "You know she has little parties on Billies birthday right? She invited me last year." So I yelled as Blaine laughed that she wasnt invited this year.
Guess when Im seeing Billie in American Idiot?
February 17th. His 39th Fucking birthday.
I was so giddy with joy after buying my tickets in the center mezzazine third fuckin row, that I forgot I was changing and getting ready to go get my haircut. I actually walked to the kitchen without pants on.
SO WORTH THE EMBARRASMENT! Ya know why? Cause Im going to be with Billie on his birthday! Eat it fuckers! Yeah.
I would love to go to a show in January to, but Im content in staying home and looking at all the lovely photos and updates from people. Plus Im positive my dad wouldnt let me go in April, October, December, and now February. He would literally pull out a gun and shoot me in the face.
p.s. Dunkin Donuts, you will allow me at least two days off. Or I will straight up quit on your ass.
Let me explain. I was sitting in CPT about to sign out of facebook and high tail it home when something caught my eye. "Stay glued to this page IDIOTs. Big news!"
I bounced in my seat insisting to Ginny that he was coming back. She denied it. I drove home at light speed and waited. Then it happened. Like I knew it would. St. Billie is back for 50 shows! So of course Im a genius. Yesterday Blaine and I were sitting in the kitchen with my mom talking. She said "You know she has little parties on Billies birthday right? She invited me last year." So I yelled as Blaine laughed that she wasnt invited this year.
Guess when Im seeing Billie in American Idiot?
February 17th. His 39th Fucking birthday.
I was so giddy with joy after buying my tickets in the center mezzazine third fuckin row, that I forgot I was changing and getting ready to go get my haircut. I actually walked to the kitchen without pants on.
SO WORTH THE EMBARRASMENT! Ya know why? Cause Im going to be with Billie on his birthday! Eat it fuckers! Yeah.
I would love to go to a show in January to, but Im content in staying home and looking at all the lovely photos and updates from people. Plus Im positive my dad wouldnt let me go in April, October, December, and now February. He would literally pull out a gun and shoot me in the face.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
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